Monthly Archives: August 2012

Best 2 of 3

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Can I just explain how true this is? I went to my second day at The Wesley center and it was pretty great!

I walk in and i’m already nervous about knowing people and talking to them. Whether they will be accepting of my hellos or not. So I end up awkwardly standing by the door and waiting to write a name tag for myself. No familiar faces. Just a crowd of strangers. 

I got to walk down the stairs and at the third to last step, I slip and fall on my behind. I have no choice but to laugh because I am the most clumsy person known to man. The moment i open my eyes, a high school friend’s boyfriend is helping me up. No one laughed, he made sure i was alright, but i was still embarassed beyond belief. 

Through dinner, i awkwardly sit there around people i dont know and stare at my phone, praying for either the confidence to talk to someone or a text message to save my life. Soon enough i get to talking to the people around me and everyone starts to lighten up. We go outside and play an intense competition of rock/paper/scissors. 

After we did praise and worship and split into our groups. I desperately clinged to my purse all night, but i finally put it down. As the leader asked questions, one question struck a cord. The question was:

“What would you like the group to pray about for you?”

Then she started with me and i felt like i had the confidence to say my problem. I told them about my friends who surround themselves with drugs, parties, sex, and alcohol. I told them how i didnt want that for myself and started moving towards God and now they dont speak to me. So I came into this semester with absolutely no friends. 

That moment, i guess, showed that i had more feeling besides scared crap-less. People started to give me advice about being more involved at The Wesley and even though they stopped talking, it doesnt hurt to live this new life in order to show them that im strong and we can still be friends. 

After that everything went a lot better. We played signs and people actually said goodbye to me this time. 

This picture/quote represented tonight well. The devil knew i was vulnerable and made me slip down those stairs but God caught me. I promised God that no matter what happened, or how awkward i felt, i was never gonna give up on him or fitting in at this youth ministry. He never gave up on me so ill never give up on him. 

God & I

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I am not quite sure what is wrong with me. I dont think anything is exactly wrong. Its more of, I find myself changing. Things i knew were wrong, i no longer find enjoyable. Which is actually a great thing. Image

 

I feel like i’m amazing myself because I actually want to be all about God now. i used to not want to because lots of my friends did things that they know God spoke about in the bible. I found myself being so focused on what other people thought that i would pick up their values and beliefs while deserting my own. I didn’t want that because i wasn’t happy. i was momentarily happy but they were things you wouldn’t tell your parents. That made me feel guilty. 

All I want now is to know God. I am dedicating myself to church and learning more about God. I took a risk going to the Wesley this weekend and i am dead determined to fit in. I admit that I am nervous because i am so different from everyone here but God made me like this for a reason. I am bound to make a friend somewhere, instead of having to come to school and fight for friends that weren’t really my friends to begin with. 

Prospective

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Im required to read the book “Audition” for my acting for non-theater majors. I love this book mostly because its like someone is having a conversation with me. Im not reading a bunch of definitions, trying t memorize every word. I’m learning about the ways actors make mistakes with auditioning and how to fix those things. 

I find myself loving this book and loving this class because i feel like the class allows me to be myself. I am able to outgoing without outshining someone. I am learning to listen. More than anything, I am able to speak without feeling silly. When I am in normal conversation, its like im trying to just say something to make people like me just because I am so different. I struggle to keep up trying to be normal. 

Im not normal.

Theater allows me to be with a bunch of people and laugh without being judged because we all think its funny. I can relax. Which ive never been able to do. 

Single girl Swagger?

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I never realized how much I liked being single. I figured out the main reason I wanted to be in a relationship was to have someone tell me i’m beautiful. Rarely have i ever felt beautiful or pretty. Every morning at college, i would get dressed and look in the mirror. 

i looked decent, nothing special but i had my own style. I felt quirky. The moment i walked out the door, i saw all the thinner more beautiful white women and black women who werent afraid to show off their bodies. I felt immediately ugly and fat. So i made sure i always had a hoodie.

This summer i spent time with God and my family and it made me realize, I only want to be in a relationship to feel like someone loves me. I wasnt getting love from my friends or guys. I knew it was because i didnt love myself but it was hard to shake. I didnt want to leave for school because that was where i felt loved, with people who cared about my well being. 

Being back at college, i have to admit sucks. I spend most of my days in my room, eating meals alone in my room and watching movies, alone. I was tired of friends i had to text and call to make sure they actually wanted to hang out with. i was tired of trying to seem attractive guys. 

I do like myself. I embrace my curves and my full breasts, my long face and crooked teeth, my muscular legs and fluffy tummy. I didnt really want to be skinny because it wasnt me. I could see myself maybe a size bigger but i dont want to be in the same category as all the skinny girls, because i will never be skinny enough. I liked being with the thick girls who know what its like to be hurt and learn from it. I want a guy to like me for me, not was size jeans i wear. 

So, here i am, sitting alone in my dorm. Watching mtv shows and drinking freshly brewed cuban coffee. I have to admit im satisfied. Im not on facebook, trolling for comments and watching my friends have fun without me. Im not constantly checking my phone for text messages from anyone! nor am i creeping on my crush’s page, looking for  reason to strick a conversation.  

If he, or anyone, wanted my attention, they will have to come get me. Its not like im a million miles away. I dont have time for people who dont have time for me.