Monthly Archives: April 2013

Rule #10 Don’t look back

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I have this amazing friend who I cant stop thinking about. We used to be really good friends. we would sit and talk about music, anime, technology and video games. I had fun hanging out with him and his dorm mates. It was my friendly reprieve away from the bitches that i was friends with. I had two groups of friends: 1. the girls who constantly competed for affection and compliments. 2. The guys who let me have their beds and watch yu yu hakusho until time for me to check out. Now that I think of it, i really enjoyed the ability to be myself back then. 

When I think about it, it makes me sad because it all feels like a lie. The guys were only nice to me because I had huge breasts but the girls were still bitches. Truth be told, i am not friends with any of them. It pains me to know that I have failed at keeping people in my life. So my #10 rule is to not look back. I start hating myself when I do and it makes me feel like I am worthless. I know this is not true but being a woman of the 21th century, my thoughts about what other people think of me is the only truth. In reality, it is not true. The guy I was talked about is the least likely guy for me to ever think of dating. He was a complete dork with an overwhelming personality that girls run from. He was not a bad person at, he was quite amazing in his own way. Being around him was like watching your first British TV show, like Skins or the It Crowd, having to stop and think about the culture and language in order to understand the jokes. When you finally do understand, they become your favorite shows. That’s him! 

I found myself thinking back because we text every once in a while. I must admit that even though we are 600 miles away, I still have feelings for him. We just never connected back in college because I was with people who only wanted to be surrounded by sexy and really hot guys, not the normal ones who think with brain not their penis. So, i rejected him and he treated me like crap back. At least I know i was not mature enough to actually have a normal relationship. Now that I am, i find myself wanted another chance but a part of me knows it will never happen like that. As much as i reach out and we flirt aimlessly, nothing will be the same and he won’t choose me. 

This rule is a rule that I constantly battle with because all I do is look back at all the times people treated me badly, walked away when i needed a friend, told me I was fat and ugly, and rejected me. Back then, I couldnt fight back because I didnt have the courage nor the confidence. I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. I can accept your criticism and take it like a man. I live my life so I pick and choose what truths I want to dwell on. No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and I don’t have the right to make others feel bad about themselves. I choose my thoughts and opinions and I choose to keep them positive. Therefore, I am letting him go. I’m not going to ignore his existence, i’m going to talk to him, but I wont get my hopes up or text first anymore. I’m going to let a dying friendship die and rest in peace. 

If my dear friend is reading this, I would love to tell him how much I liked him back at school but I was not mature enough to recognize it. He is lucky that I wasn’t because I would have destroyed him. Our friendship now is based off nostalgia. I hope to God that I am wrong about that and we remain friends forever. In the chance I am right, I hope you stay as amazing as you are and that you find someone who accepts that, because you are completely worth it!

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Happy Sunday!!

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It’s procrastination day! For me anyway. I am watching ……

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I cannot stop laughing. I have tried around 6 times to make it through this movie and I have to keep pausing it. This movie makes me so nervous with its awkward comedy and such. But thats alright. Its better than watching Buffy, which I have been doing all week. (still on Season 3) 

I just stopped by to apologize for not writing in a few days, mostly because my Mac computer is broken. Today I am going to write a post about a friend. A very good friend but someone who needs to stay in the past. You’ll see what I mean later. I am also painting my nails the neon highlighter colors because i have no life. lol Anyway, talk to you guys in a bit

Eat Pray Love….Yeah! I work out!

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Good Friday Morning! Here I am drinking my coffee before my daily workout while watching Eat. Pray. Love. This movie has become my favorite because she gets to travel. While I am at home with people that complain about my existence, I block out everyone by day dreaming about going to different countries. Mostly its because I hate my reality but who says I have to accept it? I can change my reality if i want, it may take some time, but it can change if I want it to. 

In my false reality, I am married to some Irishman and we live in a house with a wrap around porch and lots of big windows. I promise im not crazy! Just a bit bored with life. Ive day dreamed since I was little because my mom was always working and I would spend most evening by myself or with mom sleep on the couch while i watched a movie we’ve see hundreds of times. 

Anyway, I love Eat. Pray. Love. because she reminds me of myself. It also made me think of Gerard from My Chemical Romance. They both had those moments where it was like, they woke up and realized that their current realities were not what they wanted. They had always wanted their realities and put themselves on autopilot in a reality that they thought they wanted. I was like this in college. I had gotten a boyfriend Freshman year put myself on autopilot ever since. I had done what I thought I needed to do to be normal. Junior year, I woke up when I had a group of friends who treated me like shit. I woke up and when I did, I started making changes to my life and people started to hate me. They didnt like me anymore since I stopped pretending to be who they wanted. 

Now a days, I am alone. But thats alright. Im figuring out what i want and I am enjoying life. I am enjoying remembering the fact that I derive from the parents of nerds. My father played fighter games and beat the recent Batman game in less than 7 days. My mom plays Tetris and Galaga religiously. I was speaking to a friend about old shows and I unlocked some memories about high school when I had the biggest and best collection of Yugioh cards. I remember searching for months for the three headed blue eyes white dragon to be able to do the transformation play in competition. My grandma finally found it and that was my birthday present when I was around 11 years old.

If I had to choose my word, as they did in the movie, my word would be nerd. I am not an ubernerd like one of my unnamed exes. But I do obsess about almost everything: Doctor Who, anime, movies, books, comics, nail polish, shoes, technology, bracelets, mustaches, cards, video games, etc. I had a girl call me nerd to my face once because she didn’t like the career path I wanted to take. I was once mad but now I see it as my awakening. That’s my word, and I am pretty damn happy about it. 

 

Good Thursday Evening!

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Happy Late Resurection Sunday and Easter. I would wish everyone a late April Fools Day but I hate April Fools Day. Its that one day that i never go online because all this amazing impossible stuff gets posted online and none of it is real. So i tend to stay off Facebook all together. I think it has become a habit to not frequent Facebook. My life is so much more peaceful and calm. I dont have depression issues nor do I have issues with my body issues. My life is so much clearer without Facebook. 

So. I am currently watching one of my favorite movies, Sense and Sensibility  the one with Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant and Alan Rickman. I only love it because Rickman is in it. He is so handsome in the most mysterious way. Its magical. (pun there. haha) I am also procrastinating with this movie since I am suppose to be finishing my homework before Saturday. I go to the Renaisance Festival Saturday!!!! I am so excited! Expect lots of pictures because I have never been and this weekend is the Tattoo expo with free beer and bbq tasting. OMG! Gonna be great!

ALSO… I have tried a new workout……thing. Its from this Youtube channel called Blogilates and this girl seriously kicks my ass. I started April 1st with her workout calendar and I am dying. My knees hurt so bad this evening that I had to take to Alleve and wrapped them in a heating pad, regardless of the 80 degree weather. BUT! My muffintop is disappearing and my ass looks amazing so far. I refuse to stop until the end of the month. I have committed to this and I am sticking to it. 😀 

Talk to you guys later and sorry about the forever late post. Been off my game lately

– ❤ MrsSpamtastic