I have this amazing friend who I cant stop thinking about. We used to be really good friends. we would sit and talk about music, anime, technology and video games. I had fun hanging out with him and his dorm mates. It was my friendly reprieve away from the bitches that i was friends with. I had two groups of friends: 1. the girls who constantly competed for affection and compliments. 2. The guys who let me have their beds and watch yu yu hakusho until time for me to check out. Now that I think of it, i really enjoyed the ability to be myself back then.
When I think about it, it makes me sad because it all feels like a lie. The guys were only nice to me because I had huge breasts but the girls were still bitches. Truth be told, i am not friends with any of them. It pains me to know that I have failed at keeping people in my life. So my #10 rule is to not look back. I start hating myself when I do and it makes me feel like I am worthless. I know this is not true but being a woman of the 21th century, my thoughts about what other people think of me is the only truth. In reality, it is not true. The guy I was talked about is the least likely guy for me to ever think of dating. He was a complete dork with an overwhelming personality that girls run from. He was not a bad person at, he was quite amazing in his own way. Being around him was like watching your first British TV show, like Skins or the It Crowd, having to stop and think about the culture and language in order to understand the jokes. When you finally do understand, they become your favorite shows. That’s him!
I found myself thinking back because we text every once in a while. I must admit that even though we are 600 miles away, I still have feelings for him. We just never connected back in college because I was with people who only wanted to be surrounded by sexy and really hot guys, not the normal ones who think with brain not their penis. So, i rejected him and he treated me like crap back. At least I know i was not mature enough to actually have a normal relationship. Now that I am, i find myself wanted another chance but a part of me knows it will never happen like that. As much as i reach out and we flirt aimlessly, nothing will be the same and he won’t choose me.
This rule is a rule that I constantly battle with because all I do is look back at all the times people treated me badly, walked away when i needed a friend, told me I was fat and ugly, and rejected me. Back then, I couldnt fight back because I didnt have the courage nor the confidence. I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. I can accept your criticism and take it like a man. I live my life so I pick and choose what truths I want to dwell on. No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and I don’t have the right to make others feel bad about themselves. I choose my thoughts and opinions and I choose to keep them positive. Therefore, I am letting him go. I’m not going to ignore his existence, i’m going to talk to him, but I wont get my hopes up or text first anymore. I’m going to let a dying friendship die and rest in peace.
If my dear friend is reading this, I would love to tell him how much I liked him back at school but I was not mature enough to recognize it. He is lucky that I wasn’t because I would have destroyed him. Our friendship now is based off nostalgia. I hope to God that I am wrong about that and we remain friends forever. In the chance I am right, I hope you stay as amazing as you are and that you find someone who accepts that, because you are completely worth it!