Monthly Archives: May 2013

Men with character

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So theres this guy…. haha no. Im not starting like that. Ever met someone who was relatively attractive and then they open their mouths and you just die of joy? I felt like that today. So there is this guy i met at school who is really cute. I dont really go for the guy all the girls drool over but dude had this laid back type of personality. I ignored him because i knew he would just end up pretenious like the rest of the music guys in my major. Now that im gone, he comments on my Facebook every once in a while. But something happened. Not only does this guy know comic books and video games and graphic design andddd law, but he also speaks fluent french. He posted a fight club photo of himself that he edited and i swear to you, my panties dropped. I was completely caught off guard.
Everything in my being wants to tell this guy he is the sexist man alive just because his brain is amazing. That may not make sense but hear me out. I dont like a guy just because he is hot, i love their brain. You can be a huge nerd with messed up teeth and a huge nose and messy hair, but if you are sweet and respectful with a general love of video games and cosplay, you have won my heart. So there ya go. Mr sexy on my facebook, you have won but i still wouldnt date you for various reasons. (Pst.. youre kind of a jerk. :-/ im sorry but im not sorry)

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Happy May!!!!!

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How wonderful it is to be talking to you guys again. It has been wayyy too long and I am sorry. School had me going crazy for the last two weeks and I am still not done. But, Good News!!! I finished my analytic report today. It was 2,550 words with all sources sited, a title page, and a works cited page. Feels amazing!!

I still have 6 more projects and a portfolio due by friday but its under control. Better news! I turn 22 in 21 days!! so Excited!….welll not really because I am not doing anything. I will probably dress up as a super hero and have another super hero party like I did last year with my Avengers party. 

I am watching Katy Perry’s Part of Me documentary, getting ready for either a workout or a nap. And its got me to thinking. I have gone to school for 4 years, letting my professors and peers mold me. At the beginning it was great and I soon started to have to fight for my right to be who I wanted to be. Now I am an empty canvas looking for a picture. 

(ps. Guess I am going to nap since its raining now.)

I keep asking God to give me something and stop this sad funk I am in. I was tired of trying to be me but at the same time, trying not to offend people with my personality. Last year I went from singing to producing to acting to running. I was insulted for just about everything. I know I have talked about this before but I have different thoughts now. A friend of mine told me that maybe I should stop asking for God to show me the way. That maybe he was waiting on me to make a choice. At that time, I was incredibly depressed and didn’t believe him because everything I touched broke. 

One morning I woke up and realized he was right. I am trying to fit in with the people around me because I felt lonely but then it made me see that I would never put up with this shit when I was younger. I dropped friends like hot cakes, and I picked up friends who were just as weird as me. Back then, I didnt realize who i was but I knew what I stood for. I wanted to help the freak, the oddball, the kid that got picked on. My first boyfriend was even a emo guys who was incredibly damaged. 

Watching this movie made me wonder, why have I lost my way? Have I let the people I met in my major shape my dreams because I was afraid of not living up their expectations? I found myself trying to fit in with them, not revealing the true bands I liked because I know they would think I am lame. I started listening to their stupid music and going to their stupid shows and accepting their opinions, making them mine. 

My mom told me that the reason I dont along with people at my church either is because they are all boring. They have one thing in mind: Getting married and having babies. They want the version of the 1950s christian dream and I want the 2013 christian dream. 

My thoughts brought me back to my original question. The question I asked myself back in 12th grade when I was applying to colleges. What do I love enough to do it forever? My brain came up with many answers that came with negative baggage. My answers included:

  • Traveling: I love the beauty but no one is going to pay me to look at stuff.
  • Singing: Still an option, but I have to commit to what i want to say
  • Writing: I write parts to the books but I get stuck so often
  • Live performance: I was inspired by Vans Warped Tour but its mostly a man’s job.
  • Acting: I love the stage and there is nothing more real than showing people something amazing! (ps to my acting teacher. Not all black women are big booty hoes! so fuck you!)
  • Professional performing: I am a classically trained violist but those people are way to stuck up and horny for me.
  • Managing: I would love to work with an artist. I have the ability to get along with everyone but that also means I have to network with everyone in the entire world to do what I want.

I worked with a record label too but half the time people wouldn’t do what was needed and on the other half, we worked our asses off at the last minute. In the end, I got incredibly disrespected by the people in the label who felt like I wasn’t needed even though I was the oldest member and worked the hardest back than anyone else besides the former president.

So here I am. My ideas are giant and I havent even tried to start to meet them. My best option now is to do what my heart tells me. I dont have to do one thing. I can write and sing and act if i felt like it. i can work with video games or be runner. My life isnt limited by any man.I can go as far as my body can take me, and then i will still keep going until my death. God gave me millions of creative ideas that I shouldnt overlook just because someone treats me badly or because no one thinks I can. Id rather die trying if it means my happiness in the end. 

(sorry if that didnt make sense. I have a bit of rambling i need to get off my chest.)