Monthly Archives: August 2014

Labor day sleeplessness…

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I have had lots of time, by myself, to think about things. Mostly I have been thinking about guys. I know, I am such a girl. But this is my blog, so I am gonna talk about whatever I want. Today’s subject just happens to be boys.

I realize that I do not have a type. I am so open-minded, its distressing. I told my mother the other day that I don’t develop crushes anymore. The closest to a crush I get is when I finally realize that a guy is flirting, then I run the scenario through my head. Would this person make a good boyfriend? Do we have the same interests? Are they just talking to me to “hit that”? Its like i apply this person’s personality into my day dream of the perfect relationship. Usually, we break up in my head. I know that sounds insane but I just know how I want to be treated, how much I willing to give for that person to feel happy, etc. I day dream for a day, and then I see that person the next time and realize, I am not attracted to them. It is perplexing.

No I am not gay. I went to college and lets just say, I have found out that I like guys. but I just cant find myself attracted to anyone. My last heart throbbing, dry mouth crush was so far in the past that I can not remember the guy. I think it was back in high school with my first boyfriend. He was in a relationship with my ex-best friend. We spent a lot of time together and I couldn’t get him off my mind.

Is this a thing? When we get older, do we stop being capable of having crushes on people? Yes, I am physically attracted to people like Brendon Urie. Mostly, I enjoy watching him sing because his lips are beautiful. Don’t judge me! There are certain quirky things about guys I like. My most recent ex has a gigantic nose which I find to be incredibly sexy. And, he had a sexy nerdy brain that made him amazing. Only bad thing is that he could say things that made you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s a constant thing.

So I am stuck. I like quirky guys but most of them are taken. Physically attractive guys think I am weird, fat and one of the guys. Nerdy guys watch porn 24/7 and think all girls are like porn stars, and tent to say incredibly arrogant things that hurt my feelings.

Christian guys are new to me. I don’t want to go near them with my filthy hands. I let my freak flag fly but a lot of them just look at me like they are scared. I am not sorry that I am myself all day, every day. Christian guys see me in two ways, (1) they are afraid to approach me because I am intimidating and black. (2) the ones that do approach just tend to treat me the way the Physically attractive guys do. I’m just not gonna win.

I havent looked at a guy and thought, I would like to kiss you. Just….nothing.

Also! I am just saying that I am intimidating because it’s what women tell each to make themselves feel better. I have been told that I am intimidating by 4 different people. My exes say that I have such a presence that when I am upset, I set the mood for the entire room, without even trying or speaking. My grandma used to tell me my scowl was scaring people away. Mom says that its because I dont stare at my feet when I walk, I look everyone in the eye when I speak, and I walk with confidence. I scare people but intrigue them.

I guess I am just ranting. I can recognize guys I think are cute or attractive but I can’t recognize if I’m attracted to them. Just some food for thought….

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Car accidents and boy trouble….

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It does not seem like those two things go together but I have a perfectly good explanation as to why they fit together.

Grandma and I got into a car accident today. It was bumper to bumper traffic and a man in a huge F350 pickup truck slammed into the rear of 1991 steel chevy pick up truck which slammed into the back of our car. If the kid behind us didnt have his foot on the breaks, we would have seriously been injured. Our trunk got smashed in but everything works. The trucks had barely any problems but the kid behind us got whip lash so bad that the back of his head busted the glass window behind his head. He was bleeding bad but he didnt want to go to the hospital due to his insurance not kicking in yet. We are all fine, and the car still runs even though it currently looks like shit. Unfortunately, this meant me not going to church:
#1 because I had not eaten,
#2 Mom was so worried she had a panic attack at the house,
#3 I was not feeling well,
#4 grandma was not in a state to drive.
Grandma was very shaken up, she doesnt handle stress well, so I had to take over and call the cops, get both of us checked out by the EMTs and call the insurance company all while keeping mom updated. Mom was very proud of me for taking control even though I had never been in an accident before.

Grandma is fine, just incredibly tired with low sugar. Me on the other hand, I accidentally hit myself in the face with my hand which has resulted in a sore nose and my left shoulder is giving me fits. Now that I am home, my legs are vibrating but it could be the shock of the event. Its been hours and I am just now calming down. My mind keeps switching between being sleepy and wide awake. I just cant relax. The oddest thing is that I knew we were about to get into a crash right before it happened. I felt it coming. I had not seen anything or head breaks squealing. We just stopped and about 10 second later an overwhelming feeling took over that something unfortunate was coming. and BOOM!! Engage whiplash.

Now I’m sitting on my floor, working on my costume, and talking to my ex-ish person. Here is how boy trouble and car accidents come together. I had a guy from my past that I cursed out for being a jerk, text me. He told me I was right about our previous argument and proceeded to chat me up. I knew what was coming. He was gonna try to flirt. So I told him that his flirtation is wasted because I am looking for someone who loves me and isn’t just interested in the sex they got from their previous partners. I told him I am not interested in having sex with anyone until I am married because I dont see the point in sharing something intimate with someone who couldnt care less what happened to you after unless it involves sexting and making plans for more sex. He was accepting but told me not to give up on guys. I never said I gave up! I just said that I am not subscribing to his type of love.

Sorry, not sorry.

Then I told my ex about the accident. He just gave me a lecture about how sometimes cars cant take a beating and how being in an accident is statistically rare and how I should feel lucky because accidents like that may never happen to me again. (He seriously said this, I have the messages!!!!) His only sentiment was in the form of sarcasm, “Well I take it you are okay if you can text”.

ASSHOLE. Sorry, I have been trying to stop cursing but he deserves that. I just wanted to know that he cares that I am okay, I didnt ask for a backhanded get well message and a lecture on statistics of car accidents. Basically, He made me feel like crap. Just thinking about talking to him annoys me. He just makes me feel down about myself. I used to think that we would be great together when he grew up a bit and decided that complimenting girls was something he would fathom doing.

I’m over it. Officially, just over him. Everyone else was worried and made sure I was fine. Him, nope. Fear of losing one of the few people that talks to him is not an emotion he understands. I just told him that and he is not going to be happy with the message I sent him and I half regret it but not really. He can handle it. I didnt call him names or anything like that, just told him the truth and ended the conversation.

I think God just used this experience to allow me to re-think my choice in guys/friends. Recently, I’ve had weird happenings with a particular guy. He recently started talking to me and we relate on many things (Doctor Who, video games). Basically, he fit into my friend type/group so well that I barely recognized that he slipped in my group of friends. We dont hang out a lot but when we do, its amazing. Recently, we find ourselves catching eyes and he stares at me. It’s weird. He has decided giving me hugs is a great idea every time he sees me and is always bringing up the things I’m interested in. I don’t jump to conclusions but I can say that I am enjoying having someone taking interests in things that I enjoy and not being afraid to let their freak flag fly. It’s refreshing. I don’t think he likes me because I have not been trying to attract anyone. Ive gained 20 pounds because i’ve just been fine with who I am. I want to be 100% myself all the time. So it’s odd that someone likes who I am.

Anyway, connecting the two….Basically, Ive been thinking about him a lot and feeling loved thanks to my lovely friends at church. Then I pick up my phone, text that asshole, and I immediately regret my existence. I’m taking this as a sign that this guy is not someone I should be with. If I died, he would just say “my condolences, here is a card for the best prices for used car parts and a groupon for cheap grave sites.” <——— That's all true and I am being kind. No tact. So for now, I'm gonna stay awake and work on my costume, keep stretching to check for internal injuries, keep thanking God for my friends at church, and keep thinking about a good guy and never text that ASSHOLE again.

I don't want his type of sympathy or love.

Cyber Update

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I have not written in a while and you’ll soon find out why.

I have been working on a fabrication. Yep. This is my first time fabricating a cosplay outfit and it’s been a journey. Ive been instagraming the process and I decided to update my blog.

My fabrication project for Time Lord Fest……*drum roll*…..

Femme Cyberman

Yep. I am using someone’s designs to influence mine and i will give him credit when I figure out how to and when Im not in an immense amount of pain from eating food im allergic to.

Anyway, keep close to you computers because im about to post my progress. I’m still on the second step, creating pattersn, which has bee difficult but im highly optimist.

Talk to you guys soon!

-JackJAck