Monthly Archives: September 2014

My secret project

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I got a new iPhone and now I can post from my phone. Yay!!!

So…. I have not mentioned my new projects. For the last couple of months I have been self teaching myself how to build armor out of foam. It’s a lot harder than what I expected and I am slowly running out time but I still want to get the most done as possible. Here’s my progress:

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I have started foam work but I still have legs and arms to do. Super stressed about it because the convention is October 19. Ugh….

K bye

Just call me Mama J

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It has been a good couple of days since I have written but I have had an interesting week. First, work is more than amazing! My guys are great and already know what they want to do for their set. They listen to me, pay attention to the rules and have nicknamed me Mama J. They are some good guys.

On the other side of things, I am having issues. My heart and soul are conflicted. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I have gone through a lot of depression and constantly praying for friends. I have lost a lot of them but I am slowly creating strong relationships with the people I already have in my life. My problem now is that I can’t seem to get a friend that is…I don’t know. I give a lot in every relationship I have: romantic and non-romantic. I would let them sell my limbs if it meant seeing them happy. But my question is……

Is it healthy to be so kind that it makes you miserable?

I don’t say a lot of what’s on my mind with the fear that it will hurt someone else. But lately I have been surrounded by people who are excited to be my friend and use my new skills of active listening to their advantage. I can sit around and listen to you for days, remembering every detail you tell me. But when it’s my turn to share with you, my interests just dont compare with you. Its like I am Taylor Swift and Kanye West is constantly interrupting me about something that he deams is better than what I am doing. My ex would do that to me constantly. I would show him something hilarious but before it could even finish, he would stop it and say he wasn’t going to watch it. I just sat through the last week of you showing me everything you love about yourself and your hobbies and the moment I want to share with you, you dismiss me because it’s not your thing.

That 100% bugs me the crap out of me.

So here are my constant surroundings in a nutshell:

Group 1) people who are nice to my face but I barely know anything about and it’s a very slowly growing relationship of people who think I am odd but love me anyway

Group 2) People who show me everything in the world they love but dismiss my hobbies and interests because it is not their thing

Group 3) People who I am close to that, when I try to show them things, they are so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they dont hear me.

I guess what I am asking for is someone to actually listen to me. I like things that are just as important as the things you like.

It’s a beautiful Saturday

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I am currently writing this between Doctor Who commercial breaks. What a week I have had. Sam has been at my house since Tuesday, she just went home yesterday. I went to work yesterday and it was amazing! I love my new job as a stage manager. Unfortunately, I can not tell anyone about it due to media laws and blah. That’s fine. On a side note, Sam is amazing. I am about to gush about her and if she reads this (or A-R even because I just realized those are his initials. Classy of me), I will probably die. Let’s talk about Sam and A-R.

Sam

She is amazing and sweet but she has been treated bad since she was a small child. The more I hear her story, the more I just want to create a time machine. go back in her timeline, and hold her; just tell her everything will be alright. I am more than happy she didn’t end her life because I would not have met her. What I want to say quickly on this Saturday evening is that I was looking at her instagram pictures and ever since she spent time here with mom and I, she changed. Her last picture was of her smiling. I noticed that she was happy. Like genuinely happy. I caught myself looking through her other photos and they were always eerie unless they were with children. Her eyes as light and not as stressful. She actually looks happy and I am very happy about that. I love my new sister.

A-R

After my last post, I had to rethink some things and my feelings. I prayed about it and talked to Sam about it. I realize that, I am able to have crushes but I am in a transition with my feelings. I have gone from wanting to kiss a guy to just wanting to know about him. I noticed this yesterday. I was anxious because I know I will never see him again. And for some reason, I was having that same fear with Sam. I feared her leaving because it was a full year after our last visit before I got to see her again. I was worried that time would separate us again. A-r is going off to school and there is a good chance he will forget me. I don’t want that to happen, with either of them. What I want is to be there for A-R like I am there for Sam. Only difference is, I feel this strange desperation to know everything about him. I daydream about him being as excited about seeing me when he returns for the holidays as I am when I see him every week. I want to receive a hug and a genuine sweet smile like he always gives me when I pay him a compliment. I just enjoy every type of interaction I can have with him and I cherish the memories in the core of my heart. Yes, I sound like a hopeless romantic but these are the feeling I am feeling. I want to know everything about his family, his favorite movie, favorite band, what musician inspired him to play, when did he start believing in God?, how many siblings does he have. All innocent questions but I have anxiety about it 80% of every day. So I have decided, I am in an emotional transition. I remembered how I read a bible study on my iPhone about dating. At the time, it made no real effect on my life. I was hoping I could find a guy that was not worried about the physical and wanted to be married. I forgot I did this and I think now its working.  I have gone from love sick girl who develops shallow crushes on cute guys who are completely out of my league to becoming someone who wants to everything about someone. Not because I am nosy but because I really want to know so I can relate to them. The things God can do in your life.

In conclusion:

Yes, these new feelings are crushes. I can have a crush (Whoop!!) but my feelings have matured . I do like A-R but not for a relationship. He is so cute, sweet and not a skinny little kid which I do find attractive. BUT… he is also a guy who is more than a pretty face. I see him as a handsome person who has such a beautifully pure soul which is incredibly rare. He lights up a room with his smile but befriends people with his pure heart. I would never date him but I would like him as a friend. When I asked him to be my friend a long time ago, I actually meant it. It’s unfortunate that he read my actions wrong. Now I cannot tell him this because people have issues with hearing other people’s true feelings. I am incredibly blunt, another reason we arent friends, and I tell the truth, always….well 95% of the time. I am not cruel. But yes, it sucks that he read my intentions wrong and I often pray that God will allow me to be his friend. If not, he has a kind card with encouraging words from an old friend.
As for Sam, I am dead determined to be there for her. I admit to missing her presence at my house and having someone to share my story with but I know I will her again soon. The great thing is that she has given me the drive to get my license so I can come spend time with her on my days off so she wont feel so alone. I adore her like a sister. She is just like A-R but she has just lived more life than him. I worry for A-R because I know how cruel the world is and how it can make you feel like you’re alone. With Sam, I know that she can survive but I dont want her to feel like no one is there for her when she needs help or if she falls. I will be her helping hand.

All of this sounds strange but these are my true feelings. I hold my friends close to my heart and I don’t let go. (I mean that in a good way. lol)

K bye

What exactly is a “crush”?

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I have been reading and researching what constitutes a crush. I admit, I feel like I am obsessing but I am just curious. I may have mentioned a specific guy before but I guess I will remind everyone. There is a guy that I know nothing about but for reason I get a type of high from hanging around him. I enjoy being around people in general. I love the way we interact and I am in love with making people happy. The joy that spreads across their cheeks when they see an old friend. The embarrassment from a compliment. I just genuinely love people and especially my friends. This particular guy, I don’t know what it is. Its like any and every interaction you have with him makes him bashful. Its adorable. First, I thought, I must have a crush on him but it didn’t feel like the normal way of a crush. My mouth didn’t get dry and the thought of “liking” him made it difficult to actually form words.
I decided later to stop liking him and it was way too easy to stop. Now I am able to talk to him without any real anticipation, our awkward moments don’t feel like failures. I don’t obsessively count the amount of weekly interactions we have to make sure I don’t annoy him. Its fine but I have this odd lingering feeling. So I have been trying to figure it out. I can’t develop a crush like any other person, my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I have to tell myself that this person is attractive to me, for me to have a crush and want to be romantically involved. And then, I get fed up with my own feelings and awkwardness and stop crushing. I get emotionally exhausted. Just when I think I let go, for some reason, I keep coming back and now I am determined to make him my friend. I don’t know why but I am just drawn to him and I want to know more about him. His life story, favorite movies, least favorite instrument to play; I just want to know.

So i have been scowling the internet for clues. First I looked up what a crush was according to everyone else. More of, what does it feel like for other people? From the romanceclass.com, I read an article about what a crush is. To summarize, they basically say a crush is admiring someone from afar. Sometimes it’s because of the fear that the feeling wont be returned. I mean, they make me feel a lot better by saying its more of a thing that happens when you’re young or a teenager.

Second, I took a quiz, Do you have a crush on them?, which came out inconclusive. Leave it to me to have an inconclusive answer for a random silly test online. Now I am looking at the 17 signs you may like someone on a fellow WordPress blog. ( http://marvzg.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/17-signs-that-you-like-someone/ )

15 were actually real questions and out of the 15 I got 8 which still doesn’t really help. So I read another article ( http://www.mademan.com/mm/10-signs-you-someone.html) and out of those i got a 7 out 10. My general feeling/answers were

  1. I get nervous when they’re around
  2. I smile for no reason when i think of them or when they’re around
  3. I enjoy talking him (and our clever banter)
  4. I think about him (obviously)
  5. I go out of my way to help him
  6. I make sure I look not a mess around them.
  7. I compliment him a lot

So I don’t know. I feel much better that crushes don’t happen to me anymore with their explanation. What I feel is hard explain. I love seeing him being bashful and having clever banter and meaningful conversations. I enjoy the parts of our personalities that are the same and how they seem to manifest into a glowing light. I guess for me, he brightens my day and I enjoy his presence that I can’t get enough of it. I think I may just be obsessing in the good way that just involves seeing if he is online and be incredibly kind to make him bashful.

I know I am strange. I guess the only way to actually know is to think about kissing him. If I were to close my eyes and envision seeing him come close to face, noses grazing each other and our lips finally touching… that makes me feel embarrassed. My cheeks feel prickly and warm. But in a way it feels wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for him and he is wayyy out of my league. He is so sweet and kind. Then there’s me, the damaged foul-mouthed black chick with a painful past. My friends Sam says I could be asexual or demisexual…words I don’t understand.

So yes, I have a lot to think about. No one is probably going to read this but I’d like to try a poll and see what you guys think. Please feel free to answer the poll and if you want, I am always welcoming comments on the subject, my blog or anything about myself.

K bye!

Wednesday: encouraging letters to friends

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I have so much to say and so little time. I’ve got all my homework due and yet, here I am, not doing it. Anyway, here is how my week has gone…

My special friend is here!

Shes an incredible girl that I am just gonna call Samantha. She’s slept over the last two nights and went to church with me which I really appreciate. It looked like she really enjoyed it and met a lot of people. Ill have more to say about her in another post but….. I wrote encouraging letters to two of my friends. Basically, I had a birthday getaway and I was not expecting anyone to come at all. Well My female friend and my male friend came. I really was not expecting it at all. EM was promising she would come and she came. She was probably the only one I would think would try to make it, if she wasn’t busy. So, she came and she told me that a guy I had barely made friends with was coming. It was the best day ever because we swam for a while and then sat in the rented beach chairs for a couple hours. After that we went to get coffee and talked for a while, thought about getting matching henna tattoos and then went home. It was the best birthday since I was 8 that involved anyone that was not family.

Today I wrote them both encouraging thank you cards with bible verses on the front. I made multiple drafts of the perfect things to say to them. and I just put the cards with their things and left. I have this issue with doing nice things. Like, when it’s a female, i feel like they will think I am weird and trying to buy their love/friendship. With guys, they think it is me hitting on them. It’s never what they think. I just feel like showing love to people that make my days a little brighter. I don’t have siblings and if i did, I would want them to be my sister and brother.

Anyway, back to the story. I was walking with Samantha around church looking for a girl who came alone. We wanted to make sure that she was not left alone outside while waiting for her parents. So we were walking and (A-R is what i’ll call him) came up and I literally died inside. He said that he read my note and he really appreciated it. Then he gave me a hug. And I told him to have a nice night. Literally, I think my brain froze. I was mostly embarrassed since it was all happening in front of Samantha. I barely remember what I said but he gave me hug. He never speaks to me! Let alone, gives me a hug. One day, he gave me a high five and it was the most awkward high five ive ever received.

I just felt the need to encourage them. A-R because he is young and going off to school and one day he is gonna feel like no one cares about him. Or he will feel lonely, and I want him to at least feel like he can look at that card, read the words, and be reminded that people at Van Dyke actually care about him and all he had to do is reach out to them.

I also wanted to send EM a letter because she does a lot and I know what she looks like when she get overwhelmed. So I wanted to give her words to read when she is feeling stressed or down.

I love them like family and I am glad they enjoyed their cards.

Idk. I just felt like talking about them. I love making my friends feel loved. is that wrong? lol