Author Archives: mrsspamtastic

About mrsspamtastic

I eat, sleep and breathe life. Simply waking up is only the beginning... I'm just simply a single girl, recording the lessons ive learned through life, by simply being me and breathing.

My secret project


I got a new iPhone and now I can post from my phone. Yay!!!

So…. I have not mentioned my new projects. For the last couple of months I have been self teaching myself how to build armor out of foam. It’s a lot harder than what I expected and I am slowly running out time but I still want to get the most done as possible. Here’s my progress:














I have started foam work but I still have legs and arms to do. Super stressed about it because the convention is October 19. Ugh….

K bye


Just call me Mama J


It has been a good couple of days since I have written but I have had an interesting week. First, work is more than amazing! My guys are great and already know what they want to do for their set. They listen to me, pay attention to the rules and have nicknamed me Mama J. They are some good guys.

On the other side of things, I am having issues. My heart and soul are conflicted. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I have gone through a lot of depression and constantly praying for friends. I have lost a lot of them but I am slowly creating strong relationships with the people I already have in my life. My problem now is that I can’t seem to get a friend that is…I don’t know. I give a lot in every relationship I have: romantic and non-romantic. I would let them sell my limbs if it meant seeing them happy. But my question is……

Is it healthy to be so kind that it makes you miserable?

don’t say a lot of what’s on my mind with the fear that it will hurt someone else. But lately I have been surrounded by people who are excited to be my friend and use my new skills of active listening to their advantage. I can sit around and listen to you for days, remembering every detail you tell me. But when it’s my turn to share with you, my interests just dont compare with you. Its like I am Taylor Swift and Kanye West is constantly interrupting me about something that he deams is better than what I am doing. My ex would do that to me constantly. I would show him something hilarious but before it could even finish, he would stop it and say he wasn’t going to watch it. I just sat through the last week of you showing me everything you love about yourself and your hobbies and the moment I want to share with you, you dismiss me because it’s not your thing.

That 100% bugs me the crap out of me.

So here are my constant surroundings in a nutshell:

Group 1) people who are nice to my face but I barely know anything about and it’s a very slowly growing relationship of people who think I am odd but love me anyway

Group 2) People who show me everything in the world they love but dismiss my hobbies and interests because it is not their thing

Group 3) People who I am close to that, when I try to show them things, they are so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they dont hear me.

I guess what I am asking for is someone to actually listen to me. I like things that are just as important as the things you like.

It’s a beautiful Saturday


I am currently writing this between Doctor Who commercial breaks. What a week I have had. Sam has been at my house since Tuesday, she just went home yesterday. I went to work yesterday and it was amazing! I love my new job as a stage manager. Unfortunately, I can not tell anyone about it due to media laws and blah. That’s fine. On a side note, Sam is amazing. I am about to gush about her and if she reads this (or A-R even because I just realized those are his initials. Classy of me), I will probably die. Let’s talk about Sam and A-R.


She is amazing and sweet but she has been treated bad since she was a small child. The more I hear her story, the more I just want to create a time machine. go back in her timeline, and hold her; just tell her everything will be alright. I am more than happy she didn’t end her life because I would not have met her. What I want to say quickly on this Saturday evening is that I was looking at her instagram pictures and ever since she spent time here with mom and I, she changed. Her last picture was of her smiling. I noticed that she was happy. Like genuinely happy. I caught myself looking through her other photos and they were always eerie unless they were with children. Her eyes as light and not as stressful. She actually looks happy and I am very happy about that. I love my new sister.


After my last post, I had to rethink some things and my feelings. I prayed about it and talked to Sam about it. I realize that, I am able to have crushes but I am in a transition with my feelings. I have gone from wanting to kiss a guy to just wanting to know about him. I noticed this yesterday. I was anxious because I know I will never see him again. And for some reason, I was having that same fear with Sam. I feared her leaving because it was a full year after our last visit before I got to see her again. I was worried that time would separate us again. A-r is going off to school and there is a good chance he will forget me. I don’t want that to happen, with either of them. What I want is to be there for A-R like I am there for Sam. Only difference is, I feel this strange desperation to know everything about him. I daydream about him being as excited about seeing me when he returns for the holidays as I am when I see him every week. I want to receive a hug and a genuine sweet smile like he always gives me when I pay him a compliment. I just enjoy every type of interaction I can have with him and I cherish the memories in the core of my heart. Yes, I sound like a hopeless romantic but these are the feeling I am feeling. I want to know everything about his family, his favorite movie, favorite band, what musician inspired him to play, when did he start believing in God?, how many siblings does he have. All innocent questions but I have anxiety about it 80% of every day. So I have decided, I am in an emotional transition. I remembered how I read a bible study on my iPhone about dating. At the time, it made no real effect on my life. I was hoping I could find a guy that was not worried about the physical and wanted to be married. I forgot I did this and I think now its working.  I have gone from love sick girl who develops shallow crushes on cute guys who are completely out of my league to becoming someone who wants to everything about someone. Not because I am nosy but because I really want to know so I can relate to them. The things God can do in your life.

In conclusion:

Yes, these new feelings are crushes. I can have a crush (Whoop!!) but my feelings have matured . I do like A-R but not for a relationship. He is so cute, sweet and not a skinny little kid which I do find attractive. BUT… he is also a guy who is more than a pretty face. I see him as a handsome person who has such a beautifully pure soul which is incredibly rare. He lights up a room with his smile but befriends people with his pure heart. I would never date him but I would like him as a friend. When I asked him to be my friend a long time ago, I actually meant it. It’s unfortunate that he read my actions wrong. Now I cannot tell him this because people have issues with hearing other people’s true feelings. I am incredibly blunt, another reason we arent friends, and I tell the truth, always….well 95% of the time. I am not cruel. But yes, it sucks that he read my intentions wrong and I often pray that God will allow me to be his friend. If not, he has a kind card with encouraging words from an old friend.
As for Sam, I am dead determined to be there for her. I admit to missing her presence at my house and having someone to share my story with but I know I will her again soon. The great thing is that she has given me the drive to get my license so I can come spend time with her on my days off so she wont feel so alone. I adore her like a sister. She is just like A-R but she has just lived more life than him. I worry for A-R because I know how cruel the world is and how it can make you feel like you’re alone. With Sam, I know that she can survive but I dont want her to feel like no one is there for her when she needs help or if she falls. I will be her helping hand.

All of this sounds strange but these are my true feelings. I hold my friends close to my heart and I don’t let go. (I mean that in a good way. lol)

K bye

What exactly is a “crush”?


I have been reading and researching what constitutes a crush. I admit, I feel like I am obsessing but I am just curious. I may have mentioned a specific guy before but I guess I will remind everyone. There is a guy that I know nothing about but for reason I get a type of high from hanging around him. I enjoy being around people in general. I love the way we interact and I am in love with making people happy. The joy that spreads across their cheeks when they see an old friend. The embarrassment from a compliment. I just genuinely love people and especially my friends. This particular guy, I don’t know what it is. Its like any and every interaction you have with him makes him bashful. Its adorable. First, I thought, I must have a crush on him but it didn’t feel like the normal way of a crush. My mouth didn’t get dry and the thought of “liking” him made it difficult to actually form words.
I decided later to stop liking him and it was way too easy to stop. Now I am able to talk to him without any real anticipation, our awkward moments don’t feel like failures. I don’t obsessively count the amount of weekly interactions we have to make sure I don’t annoy him. Its fine but I have this odd lingering feeling. So I have been trying to figure it out. I can’t develop a crush like any other person, my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I have to tell myself that this person is attractive to me, for me to have a crush and want to be romantically involved. And then, I get fed up with my own feelings and awkwardness and stop crushing. I get emotionally exhausted. Just when I think I let go, for some reason, I keep coming back and now I am determined to make him my friend. I don’t know why but I am just drawn to him and I want to know more about him. His life story, favorite movies, least favorite instrument to play; I just want to know.

So i have been scowling the internet for clues. First I looked up what a crush was according to everyone else. More of, what does it feel like for other people? From the, I read an article about what a crush is. To summarize, they basically say a crush is admiring someone from afar. Sometimes it’s because of the fear that the feeling wont be returned. I mean, they make me feel a lot better by saying its more of a thing that happens when you’re young or a teenager.

Second, I took a quiz, Do you have a crush on them?, which came out inconclusive. Leave it to me to have an inconclusive answer for a random silly test online. Now I am looking at the 17 signs you may like someone on a fellow WordPress blog. ( )

15 were actually real questions and out of the 15 I got 8 which still doesn’t really help. So I read another article ( and out of those i got a 7 out 10. My general feeling/answers were

  1. I get nervous when they’re around
  2. I smile for no reason when i think of them or when they’re around
  3. I enjoy talking him (and our clever banter)
  4. I think about him (obviously)
  5. I go out of my way to help him
  6. I make sure I look not a mess around them.
  7. I compliment him a lot

So I don’t know. I feel much better that crushes don’t happen to me anymore with their explanation. What I feel is hard explain. I love seeing him being bashful and having clever banter and meaningful conversations. I enjoy the parts of our personalities that are the same and how they seem to manifest into a glowing light. I guess for me, he brightens my day and I enjoy his presence that I can’t get enough of it. I think I may just be obsessing in the good way that just involves seeing if he is online and be incredibly kind to make him bashful.

I know I am strange. I guess the only way to actually know is to think about kissing him. If I were to close my eyes and envision seeing him come close to face, noses grazing each other and our lips finally touching… that makes me feel embarrassed. My cheeks feel prickly and warm. But in a way it feels wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for him and he is wayyy out of my league. He is so sweet and kind. Then there’s me, the damaged foul-mouthed black chick with a painful past. My friends Sam says I could be asexual or demisexual…words I don’t understand.

So yes, I have a lot to think about. No one is probably going to read this but I’d like to try a poll and see what you guys think. Please feel free to answer the poll and if you want, I am always welcoming comments on the subject, my blog or anything about myself.

K bye!

Wednesday: encouraging letters to friends


I have so much to say and so little time. I’ve got all my homework due and yet, here I am, not doing it. Anyway, here is how my week has gone…

My special friend is here!

Shes an incredible girl that I am just gonna call Samantha. She’s slept over the last two nights and went to church with me which I really appreciate. It looked like she really enjoyed it and met a lot of people. Ill have more to say about her in another post but….. I wrote encouraging letters to two of my friends. Basically, I had a birthday getaway and I was not expecting anyone to come at all. Well My female friend and my male friend came. I really was not expecting it at all. EM was promising she would come and she came. She was probably the only one I would think would try to make it, if she wasn’t busy. So, she came and she told me that a guy I had barely made friends with was coming. It was the best day ever because we swam for a while and then sat in the rented beach chairs for a couple hours. After that we went to get coffee and talked for a while, thought about getting matching henna tattoos and then went home. It was the best birthday since I was 8 that involved anyone that was not family.

Today I wrote them both encouraging thank you cards with bible verses on the front. I made multiple drafts of the perfect things to say to them. and I just put the cards with their things and left. I have this issue with doing nice things. Like, when it’s a female, i feel like they will think I am weird and trying to buy their love/friendship. With guys, they think it is me hitting on them. It’s never what they think. I just feel like showing love to people that make my days a little brighter. I don’t have siblings and if i did, I would want them to be my sister and brother.

Anyway, back to the story. I was walking with Samantha around church looking for a girl who came alone. We wanted to make sure that she was not left alone outside while waiting for her parents. So we were walking and (A-R is what i’ll call him) came up and I literally died inside. He said that he read my note and he really appreciated it. Then he gave me a hug. And I told him to have a nice night. Literally, I think my brain froze. I was mostly embarrassed since it was all happening in front of Samantha. I barely remember what I said but he gave me hug. He never speaks to me! Let alone, gives me a hug. One day, he gave me a high five and it was the most awkward high five ive ever received.

I just felt the need to encourage them. A-R because he is young and going off to school and one day he is gonna feel like no one cares about him. Or he will feel lonely, and I want him to at least feel like he can look at that card, read the words, and be reminded that people at Van Dyke actually care about him and all he had to do is reach out to them.

I also wanted to send EM a letter because she does a lot and I know what she looks like when she get overwhelmed. So I wanted to give her words to read when she is feeling stressed or down.

I love them like family and I am glad they enjoyed their cards.

Idk. I just felt like talking about them. I love making my friends feel loved. is that wrong? lol

Labor day sleeplessness…


I have had lots of time, by myself, to think about things. Mostly I have been thinking about guys. I know, I am such a girl. But this is my blog, so I am gonna talk about whatever I want. Today’s subject just happens to be boys.

I realize that I do not have a type. I am so open-minded, its distressing. I told my mother the other day that I don’t develop crushes anymore. The closest to a crush I get is when I finally realize that a guy is flirting, then I run the scenario through my head. Would this person make a good boyfriend? Do we have the same interests? Are they just talking to me to “hit that”? Its like i apply this person’s personality into my day dream of the perfect relationship. Usually, we break up in my head. I know that sounds insane but I just know how I want to be treated, how much I willing to give for that person to feel happy, etc. I day dream for a day, and then I see that person the next time and realize, I am not attracted to them. It is perplexing.

No I am not gay. I went to college and lets just say, I have found out that I like guys. but I just cant find myself attracted to anyone. My last heart throbbing, dry mouth crush was so far in the past that I can not remember the guy. I think it was back in high school with my first boyfriend. He was in a relationship with my ex-best friend. We spent a lot of time together and I couldn’t get him off my mind.

Is this a thing? When we get older, do we stop being capable of having crushes on people? Yes, I am physically attracted to people like Brendon Urie. Mostly, I enjoy watching him sing because his lips are beautiful. Don’t judge me! There are certain quirky things about guys I like. My most recent ex has a gigantic nose which I find to be incredibly sexy. And, he had a sexy nerdy brain that made him amazing. Only bad thing is that he could say things that made you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s a constant thing.

So I am stuck. I like quirky guys but most of them are taken. Physically attractive guys think I am weird, fat and one of the guys. Nerdy guys watch porn 24/7 and think all girls are like porn stars, and tent to say incredibly arrogant things that hurt my feelings.

Christian guys are new to me. I don’t want to go near them with my filthy hands. I let my freak flag fly but a lot of them just look at me like they are scared. I am not sorry that I am myself all day, every day. Christian guys see me in two ways, (1) they are afraid to approach me because I am intimidating and black. (2) the ones that do approach just tend to treat me the way the Physically attractive guys do. I’m just not gonna win.

I havent looked at a guy and thought, I would like to kiss you. Just….nothing.

Also! I am just saying that I am intimidating because it’s what women tell each to make themselves feel better. I have been told that I am intimidating by 4 different people. My exes say that I have such a presence that when I am upset, I set the mood for the entire room, without even trying or speaking. My grandma used to tell me my scowl was scaring people away. Mom says that its because I dont stare at my feet when I walk, I look everyone in the eye when I speak, and I walk with confidence. I scare people but intrigue them.

I guess I am just ranting. I can recognize guys I think are cute or attractive but I can’t recognize if I’m attracted to them. Just some food for thought….

Car accidents and boy trouble….


It does not seem like those two things go together but I have a perfectly good explanation as to why they fit together.

Grandma and I got into a car accident today. It was bumper to bumper traffic and a man in a huge F350 pickup truck slammed into the rear of 1991 steel chevy pick up truck which slammed into the back of our car. If the kid behind us didnt have his foot on the breaks, we would have seriously been injured. Our trunk got smashed in but everything works. The trucks had barely any problems but the kid behind us got whip lash so bad that the back of his head busted the glass window behind his head. He was bleeding bad but he didnt want to go to the hospital due to his insurance not kicking in yet. We are all fine, and the car still runs even though it currently looks like shit. Unfortunately, this meant me not going to church:
#1 because I had not eaten,
#2 Mom was so worried she had a panic attack at the house,
#3 I was not feeling well,
#4 grandma was not in a state to drive.
Grandma was very shaken up, she doesnt handle stress well, so I had to take over and call the cops, get both of us checked out by the EMTs and call the insurance company all while keeping mom updated. Mom was very proud of me for taking control even though I had never been in an accident before.

Grandma is fine, just incredibly tired with low sugar. Me on the other hand, I accidentally hit myself in the face with my hand which has resulted in a sore nose and my left shoulder is giving me fits. Now that I am home, my legs are vibrating but it could be the shock of the event. Its been hours and I am just now calming down. My mind keeps switching between being sleepy and wide awake. I just cant relax. The oddest thing is that I knew we were about to get into a crash right before it happened. I felt it coming. I had not seen anything or head breaks squealing. We just stopped and about 10 second later an overwhelming feeling took over that something unfortunate was coming. and BOOM!! Engage whiplash.

Now I’m sitting on my floor, working on my costume, and talking to my ex-ish person. Here is how boy trouble and car accidents come together. I had a guy from my past that I cursed out for being a jerk, text me. He told me I was right about our previous argument and proceeded to chat me up. I knew what was coming. He was gonna try to flirt. So I told him that his flirtation is wasted because I am looking for someone who loves me and isn’t just interested in the sex they got from their previous partners. I told him I am not interested in having sex with anyone until I am married because I dont see the point in sharing something intimate with someone who couldnt care less what happened to you after unless it involves sexting and making plans for more sex. He was accepting but told me not to give up on guys. I never said I gave up! I just said that I am not subscribing to his type of love.

Sorry, not sorry.

Then I told my ex about the accident. He just gave me a lecture about how sometimes cars cant take a beating and how being in an accident is statistically rare and how I should feel lucky because accidents like that may never happen to me again. (He seriously said this, I have the messages!!!!) His only sentiment was in the form of sarcasm, “Well I take it you are okay if you can text”.

ASSHOLE. Sorry, I have been trying to stop cursing but he deserves that. I just wanted to know that he cares that I am okay, I didnt ask for a backhanded get well message and a lecture on statistics of car accidents. Basically, He made me feel like crap. Just thinking about talking to him annoys me. He just makes me feel down about myself. I used to think that we would be great together when he grew up a bit and decided that complimenting girls was something he would fathom doing.

I’m over it. Officially, just over him. Everyone else was worried and made sure I was fine. Him, nope. Fear of losing one of the few people that talks to him is not an emotion he understands. I just told him that and he is not going to be happy with the message I sent him and I half regret it but not really. He can handle it. I didnt call him names or anything like that, just told him the truth and ended the conversation.

I think God just used this experience to allow me to re-think my choice in guys/friends. Recently, I’ve had weird happenings with a particular guy. He recently started talking to me and we relate on many things (Doctor Who, video games). Basically, he fit into my friend type/group so well that I barely recognized that he slipped in my group of friends. We dont hang out a lot but when we do, its amazing. Recently, we find ourselves catching eyes and he stares at me. It’s weird. He has decided giving me hugs is a great idea every time he sees me and is always bringing up the things I’m interested in. I don’t jump to conclusions but I can say that I am enjoying having someone taking interests in things that I enjoy and not being afraid to let their freak flag fly. It’s refreshing. I don’t think he likes me because I have not been trying to attract anyone. Ive gained 20 pounds because i’ve just been fine with who I am. I want to be 100% myself all the time. So it’s odd that someone likes who I am.

Anyway, connecting the two….Basically, Ive been thinking about him a lot and feeling loved thanks to my lovely friends at church. Then I pick up my phone, text that asshole, and I immediately regret my existence. I’m taking this as a sign that this guy is not someone I should be with. If I died, he would just say “my condolences, here is a card for the best prices for used car parts and a groupon for cheap grave sites.” <——— That's all true and I am being kind. No tact. So for now, I'm gonna stay awake and work on my costume, keep stretching to check for internal injuries, keep thanking God for my friends at church, and keep thinking about a good guy and never text that ASSHOLE again.

I don't want his type of sympathy or love.