Tag Archives: asexual

Labor day sleeplessness…

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I have had lots of time, by myself, to think about things. Mostly I have been thinking about guys. I know, I am such a girl. But this is my blog, so I am gonna talk about whatever I want. Today’s subject just happens to be boys.

I realize that I do not have a type. I am so open-minded, its distressing. I told my mother the other day that I don’t develop crushes anymore. The closest to a crush I get is when I finally realize that a guy is flirting, then I run the scenario through my head. Would this person make a good boyfriend? Do we have the same interests? Are they just talking to me to “hit that”? Its like i apply this person’s personality into my day dream of the perfect relationship. Usually, we break up in my head. I know that sounds insane but I just know how I want to be treated, how much I willing to give for that person to feel happy, etc. I day dream for a day, and then I see that person the next time and realize, I am not attracted to them. It is perplexing.

No I am not gay. I went to college and lets just say, I have found out that I like guys. but I just cant find myself attracted to anyone. My last heart throbbing, dry mouth crush was so far in the past that I can not remember the guy. I think it was back in high school with my first boyfriend. He was in a relationship with my ex-best friend. We spent a lot of time together and I couldn’t get him off my mind.

Is this a thing? When we get older, do we stop being capable of having crushes on people? Yes, I am physically attracted to people like Brendon Urie. Mostly, I enjoy watching him sing because his lips are beautiful. Don’t judge me! There are certain quirky things about guys I like. My most recent ex has a gigantic nose which I find to be incredibly sexy. And, he had a sexy nerdy brain that made him amazing. Only bad thing is that he could say things that made you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s a constant thing.

So I am stuck. I like quirky guys but most of them are taken. Physically attractive guys think I am weird, fat and one of the guys. Nerdy guys watch porn 24/7 and think all girls are like porn stars, and tent to say incredibly arrogant things that hurt my feelings.

Christian guys are new to me. I don’t want to go near them with my filthy hands. I let my freak flag fly but a lot of them just look at me like they are scared. I am not sorry that I am myself all day, every day. Christian guys see me in two ways, (1) they are afraid to approach me because I am intimidating and black. (2) the ones that do approach just tend to treat me the way the Physically attractive guys do. I’m just not gonna win.

I havent looked at a guy and thought, I would like to kiss you. Just….nothing.

Also! I am just saying that I am intimidating because it’s what women tell each to make themselves feel better. I have been told that I am intimidating by 4 different people. My exes say that I have such a presence that when I am upset, I set the mood for the entire room, without even trying or speaking. My grandma used to tell me my scowl was scaring people away. Mom says that its because I dont stare at my feet when I walk, I look everyone in the eye when I speak, and I walk with confidence. I scare people but intrigue them.

I guess I am just ranting. I can recognize guys I think are cute or attractive but I can’t recognize if I’m attracted to them. Just some food for thought….

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Whovians are full of information

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Ive had some time to contemplate and what does it get me? 

Me quitting my job. Yes. I did the young adult thing and quit a job less than a month into it. It was causing me physical and psychological pain. Plus, I didn’t have time to write anymore. I started to lose all my hobbies. I need a 9 to 5, not a 2pm to 2am with a 15 minute break. No thank you. 

I went to an amazing Whovians singles night for Doctor who fans. I brought my mother but i mostly went to gain friends. I dont have any here. What i learned was that I may have a problem. Im not attracted to anyone. I looked around the room and felt no real attraction to anyone. I did not find a guy that i wanted to spend my whole night chatting with, and giving my number to. I thought about giving my number to a guy dressed as The Master, but I just wasnt feeling it. So maybe its me? I have two theories about this: 

Theory #1: My standards are too high.

I would say this is true, if this were high school. In high school, I had outrageous standards. The guy had to be emo, white and skinny. He had to speak perfect english and have the personality of Gerard Way of My chemical romance. But now i have learned that people are beautiful. I don’t really have many standards anymore. I like to get to know people. If we have a nice conversation and I blush at one point, or get cotton mouth. Then its a yes. Too often now I find myself going after guys I dont really like enough to date. The thought process is”Hmm…. That person is cool. I wonder what it would be like to date him? Let’s see.” I dont really like them with a fiery burning passion. I don’t really like them. Its straight curiosity. Then, when i get bored, i break up with them. Its straight up sadist, masochistic, and selfishly heartless. 

Theory #2: Maybe I’m asexual?

Asexual: refrains from expressing any sexual desires towards others. That almost sounds right. I think I may have set myself up for failure. Since I was in elementary school, I have reframed from telling people how I feel. (Ill explain in a later post my elementary school fear) I am often afraid of telling people how i feel because im worried they may find me unattractive. I tell myself in my mind that I dont have the right to tell a guy, regardless of how attractive, that I like him. And in the longrun, I tell myself that I dont really like that guy. I am much better off trying to have a friend than dating when i know it wont work. 

On the other hand, I have been near a guy that literally caused a waterfall in my panties. And the other day, a guy leaned in close to me to show me something, and i could feel the heat from his body, which made me blush. So, I may be setting unrealistic expectations for myself. I daydream a lot about falling in love and dating different types of guys. So I may hav accidentally made myself asexual. But, I am not afraid! I am not worried about approaching a hot guy and holding a conversation with them. I have to let their mind and personality speak before i acknowledge their attractiveness. 

So I am just not quite sure what to think anymore. I may have a problem, or I may not. Im just not attracted to a normal guy. I dont have a type, but yet, i do have one but I dont know it. 

If anyone has any advice, feel free to comment, or tell me how ridiculous I am.