Tag Archives: college

Men with character

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So theres this guy…. haha no. Im not starting like that. Ever met someone who was relatively attractive and then they open their mouths and you just die of joy? I felt like that today. So there is this guy i met at school who is really cute. I dont really go for the guy all the girls drool over but dude had this laid back type of personality. I ignored him because i knew he would just end up pretenious like the rest of the music guys in my major. Now that im gone, he comments on my Facebook every once in a while. But something happened. Not only does this guy know comic books and video games and graphic design andddd law, but he also speaks fluent french. He posted a fight club photo of himself that he edited and i swear to you, my panties dropped. I was completely caught off guard.
Everything in my being wants to tell this guy he is the sexist man alive just because his brain is amazing. That may not make sense but hear me out. I dont like a guy just because he is hot, i love their brain. You can be a huge nerd with messed up teeth and a huge nose and messy hair, but if you are sweet and respectful with a general love of video games and cosplay, you have won my heart. So there ya go. Mr sexy on my facebook, you have won but i still wouldnt date you for various reasons. (Pst.. youre kind of a jerk. :-/ im sorry but im not sorry)

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Happy May!!!!!

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How wonderful it is to be talking to you guys again. It has been wayyy too long and I am sorry. School had me going crazy for the last two weeks and I am still not done. But, Good News!!! I finished my analytic report today. It was 2,550 words with all sources sited, a title page, and a works cited page. Feels amazing!!

I still have 6 more projects and a portfolio due by friday but its under control. Better news! I turn 22 in 21 days!! so Excited!….welll not really because I am not doing anything. I will probably dress up as a super hero and have another super hero party like I did last year with my Avengers party. 

I am watching Katy Perry’s Part of Me documentary, getting ready for either a workout or a nap. And its got me to thinking. I have gone to school for 4 years, letting my professors and peers mold me. At the beginning it was great and I soon started to have to fight for my right to be who I wanted to be. Now I am an empty canvas looking for a picture. 

(ps. Guess I am going to nap since its raining now.)

I keep asking God to give me something and stop this sad funk I am in. I was tired of trying to be me but at the same time, trying not to offend people with my personality. Last year I went from singing to producing to acting to running. I was insulted for just about everything. I know I have talked about this before but I have different thoughts now. A friend of mine told me that maybe I should stop asking for God to show me the way. That maybe he was waiting on me to make a choice. At that time, I was incredibly depressed and didn’t believe him because everything I touched broke. 

One morning I woke up and realized he was right. I am trying to fit in with the people around me because I felt lonely but then it made me see that I would never put up with this shit when I was younger. I dropped friends like hot cakes, and I picked up friends who were just as weird as me. Back then, I didnt realize who i was but I knew what I stood for. I wanted to help the freak, the oddball, the kid that got picked on. My first boyfriend was even a emo guys who was incredibly damaged. 

Watching this movie made me wonder, why have I lost my way? Have I let the people I met in my major shape my dreams because I was afraid of not living up their expectations? I found myself trying to fit in with them, not revealing the true bands I liked because I know they would think I am lame. I started listening to their stupid music and going to their stupid shows and accepting their opinions, making them mine. 

My mom told me that the reason I dont along with people at my church either is because they are all boring. They have one thing in mind: Getting married and having babies. They want the version of the 1950s christian dream and I want the 2013 christian dream. 

My thoughts brought me back to my original question. The question I asked myself back in 12th grade when I was applying to colleges. What do I love enough to do it forever? My brain came up with many answers that came with negative baggage. My answers included:

  • Traveling: I love the beauty but no one is going to pay me to look at stuff.
  • Singing: Still an option, but I have to commit to what i want to say
  • Writing: I write parts to the books but I get stuck so often
  • Live performance: I was inspired by Vans Warped Tour but its mostly a man’s job.
  • Acting: I love the stage and there is nothing more real than showing people something amazing! (ps to my acting teacher. Not all black women are big booty hoes! so fuck you!)
  • Professional performing: I am a classically trained violist but those people are way to stuck up and horny for me.
  • Managing: I would love to work with an artist. I have the ability to get along with everyone but that also means I have to network with everyone in the entire world to do what I want.

I worked with a record label too but half the time people wouldn’t do what was needed and on the other half, we worked our asses off at the last minute. In the end, I got incredibly disrespected by the people in the label who felt like I wasn’t needed even though I was the oldest member and worked the hardest back than anyone else besides the former president.

So here I am. My ideas are giant and I havent even tried to start to meet them. My best option now is to do what my heart tells me. I dont have to do one thing. I can write and sing and act if i felt like it. i can work with video games or be runner. My life isnt limited by any man.I can go as far as my body can take me, and then i will still keep going until my death. God gave me millions of creative ideas that I shouldnt overlook just because someone treats me badly or because no one thinks I can. Id rather die trying if it means my happiness in the end. 

(sorry if that didnt make sense. I have a bit of rambling i need to get off my chest.) 

Rule #10 Don’t look back

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I have this amazing friend who I cant stop thinking about. We used to be really good friends. we would sit and talk about music, anime, technology and video games. I had fun hanging out with him and his dorm mates. It was my friendly reprieve away from the bitches that i was friends with. I had two groups of friends: 1. the girls who constantly competed for affection and compliments. 2. The guys who let me have their beds and watch yu yu hakusho until time for me to check out. Now that I think of it, i really enjoyed the ability to be myself back then. 

When I think about it, it makes me sad because it all feels like a lie. The guys were only nice to me because I had huge breasts but the girls were still bitches. Truth be told, i am not friends with any of them. It pains me to know that I have failed at keeping people in my life. So my #10 rule is to not look back. I start hating myself when I do and it makes me feel like I am worthless. I know this is not true but being a woman of the 21th century, my thoughts about what other people think of me is the only truth. In reality, it is not true. The guy I was talked about is the least likely guy for me to ever think of dating. He was a complete dork with an overwhelming personality that girls run from. He was not a bad person at, he was quite amazing in his own way. Being around him was like watching your first British TV show, like Skins or the It Crowd, having to stop and think about the culture and language in order to understand the jokes. When you finally do understand, they become your favorite shows. That’s him! 

I found myself thinking back because we text every once in a while. I must admit that even though we are 600 miles away, I still have feelings for him. We just never connected back in college because I was with people who only wanted to be surrounded by sexy and really hot guys, not the normal ones who think with brain not their penis. So, i rejected him and he treated me like crap back. At least I know i was not mature enough to actually have a normal relationship. Now that I am, i find myself wanted another chance but a part of me knows it will never happen like that. As much as i reach out and we flirt aimlessly, nothing will be the same and he won’t choose me. 

This rule is a rule that I constantly battle with because all I do is look back at all the times people treated me badly, walked away when i needed a friend, told me I was fat and ugly, and rejected me. Back then, I couldnt fight back because I didnt have the courage nor the confidence. I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. I can accept your criticism and take it like a man. I live my life so I pick and choose what truths I want to dwell on. No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and I don’t have the right to make others feel bad about themselves. I choose my thoughts and opinions and I choose to keep them positive. Therefore, I am letting him go. I’m not going to ignore his existence, i’m going to talk to him, but I wont get my hopes up or text first anymore. I’m going to let a dying friendship die and rest in peace. 

If my dear friend is reading this, I would love to tell him how much I liked him back at school but I was not mature enough to recognize it. He is lucky that I wasn’t because I would have destroyed him. Our friendship now is based off nostalgia. I hope to God that I am wrong about that and we remain friends forever. In the chance I am right, I hope you stay as amazing as you are and that you find someone who accepts that, because you are completely worth it!

Eat Pray Love….Yeah! I work out!

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Good Friday Morning! Here I am drinking my coffee before my daily workout while watching Eat. Pray. Love. This movie has become my favorite because she gets to travel. While I am at home with people that complain about my existence, I block out everyone by day dreaming about going to different countries. Mostly its because I hate my reality but who says I have to accept it? I can change my reality if i want, it may take some time, but it can change if I want it to. 

In my false reality, I am married to some Irishman and we live in a house with a wrap around porch and lots of big windows. I promise im not crazy! Just a bit bored with life. Ive day dreamed since I was little because my mom was always working and I would spend most evening by myself or with mom sleep on the couch while i watched a movie we’ve see hundreds of times. 

Anyway, I love Eat. Pray. Love. because she reminds me of myself. It also made me think of Gerard from My Chemical Romance. They both had those moments where it was like, they woke up and realized that their current realities were not what they wanted. They had always wanted their realities and put themselves on autopilot in a reality that they thought they wanted. I was like this in college. I had gotten a boyfriend Freshman year put myself on autopilot ever since. I had done what I thought I needed to do to be normal. Junior year, I woke up when I had a group of friends who treated me like shit. I woke up and when I did, I started making changes to my life and people started to hate me. They didnt like me anymore since I stopped pretending to be who they wanted. 

Now a days, I am alone. But thats alright. Im figuring out what i want and I am enjoying life. I am enjoying remembering the fact that I derive from the parents of nerds. My father played fighter games and beat the recent Batman game in less than 7 days. My mom plays Tetris and Galaga religiously. I was speaking to a friend about old shows and I unlocked some memories about high school when I had the biggest and best collection of Yugioh cards. I remember searching for months for the three headed blue eyes white dragon to be able to do the transformation play in competition. My grandma finally found it and that was my birthday present when I was around 11 years old.

If I had to choose my word, as they did in the movie, my word would be nerd. I am not an ubernerd like one of my unnamed exes. But I do obsess about almost everything: Doctor Who, anime, movies, books, comics, nail polish, shoes, technology, bracelets, mustaches, cards, video games, etc. I had a girl call me nerd to my face once because she didn’t like the career path I wanted to take. I was once mad but now I see it as my awakening. That’s my word, and I am pretty damn happy about it. 

 

Good Thursday Evening!

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Happy Late Resurection Sunday and Easter. I would wish everyone a late April Fools Day but I hate April Fools Day. Its that one day that i never go online because all this amazing impossible stuff gets posted online and none of it is real. So i tend to stay off Facebook all together. I think it has become a habit to not frequent Facebook. My life is so much more peaceful and calm. I dont have depression issues nor do I have issues with my body issues. My life is so much clearer without Facebook. 

So. I am currently watching one of my favorite movies, Sense and Sensibility  the one with Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant and Alan Rickman. I only love it because Rickman is in it. He is so handsome in the most mysterious way. Its magical. (pun there. haha) I am also procrastinating with this movie since I am suppose to be finishing my homework before Saturday. I go to the Renaisance Festival Saturday!!!! I am so excited! Expect lots of pictures because I have never been and this weekend is the Tattoo expo with free beer and bbq tasting. OMG! Gonna be great!

ALSO… I have tried a new workout……thing. Its from this Youtube channel called Blogilates and this girl seriously kicks my ass. I started April 1st with her workout calendar and I am dying. My knees hurt so bad this evening that I had to take to Alleve and wrapped them in a heating pad, regardless of the 80 degree weather. BUT! My muffintop is disappearing and my ass looks amazing so far. I refuse to stop until the end of the month. I have committed to this and I am sticking to it. 😀 

Talk to you guys later and sorry about the forever late post. Been off my game lately

– ❤ MrsSpamtastic

R.I.P. My Chemical Romance

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Today, the one band that saved my life, split up. Here is what their blog said:

Being in this band for the past 12 years has been a true blessing. We’ve gotten to go places we never knew we would. We’ve been able to see and experience things we never imagined possible. We’ve shared the stage with people we admire, people we look up to, and best of all, our friends. And now, like all great things, it has come time for it to end. Thanks for all of your support, and for being part of the adventure.
My Chemical Romance

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This band has meant so much to me. Band in middle school, I got bullied on the bus to the point where they pulled my hair and threw my books, kicked me and hit my head against the window every day. I wanted nothing more than to make it all stop. I got my revenge on the kids but it still didnt heal the pain and damage left behind. I was left struggling with anxiety and depression.

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I remembering turning on the television and seeing their video “Im not okay, i promise.” I took that song as my personal anthem. They made me realize it was alright not to be okay. I so often pretend like everything in my life is okay because im afraid of what other people think and expect of me, but sometimes it’s alright to not be okay. Life can really suck ass.

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To say this band saved my life is an understatement. I believe in God and I believe he led me to this band. As corny as that may sound, here me out! I used to live in Mississippi and every night I would pray that I would not wake up in the morning. And when i woke up in the morning, i cried because I was still breathing. I hated everything in my life but I had to keep a straight face to keep my loved ones from knowing how upset I was with everything in my life.

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Yes. I did the emo thing, I used to cut but it wasnt for attention. I didnt want anyone to see them, ever. I stopped when I got my first boyfriend, who was a god sent and got me to stop. But later on in life, I remember panicking and crying from an episode of depression. The worst thing was, sitting on the floor of my dorm room bathroom crying because i was afraid the razor I had brought with me. I would constantly scratch my arm to get rid of the urge to cut to somehow release myself from emotion and sadness. Thinking, maybe if I ended it, I could finally rest and get some sleep.

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I still have the problem but what i love about My Chemical Romance is that the lead singer would preach to all the broken hearted outcasts, who wanted nothing more than to not live anymore. He would preach at shows about not using violence and self harm to solve your problems. Living is what is important. Being you and staying ugly is what makes you amazing. Even though they have broken up, I hold their music close to my heart.

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My Chemical Romance will always be my favorite band.

Much ❤

-MrsSpamtastic

 

Meanwhile in the kitchen. ………

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I bought beer today. I am not a fan of lager, i found that out the hard way, but this ale is amazing!!

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I know its a sweet beer but im a liquor drinker. I love vodka and rum but damn. This right here is the bomb dot com. It has the usual beer taste but its smooth. You can taste the apple and caramel undertones. Soooooooooo good.

-Mrsspamtastic