Tag Archives: confusion

What exactly is a “crush”?

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I have been reading and researching what constitutes a crush. I admit, I feel like I am obsessing but I am just curious. I may have mentioned a specific guy before but I guess I will remind everyone. There is a guy that I know nothing about but for reason I get a type of high from hanging around him. I enjoy being around people in general. I love the way we interact and I am in love with making people happy. The joy that spreads across their cheeks when they see an old friend. The embarrassment from a compliment. I just genuinely love people and especially my friends. This particular guy, I don’t know what it is. Its like any and every interaction you have with him makes him bashful. Its adorable. First, I thought, I must have a crush on him but it didn’t feel like the normal way of a crush. My mouth didn’t get dry and the thought of “liking” him made it difficult to actually form words.
I decided later to stop liking him and it was way too easy to stop. Now I am able to talk to him without any real anticipation, our awkward moments don’t feel like failures. I don’t obsessively count the amount of weekly interactions we have to make sure I don’t annoy him. Its fine but I have this odd lingering feeling. So I have been trying to figure it out. I can’t develop a crush like any other person, my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I have to tell myself that this person is attractive to me, for me to have a crush and want to be romantically involved. And then, I get fed up with my own feelings and awkwardness and stop crushing. I get emotionally exhausted. Just when I think I let go, for some reason, I keep coming back and now I am determined to make him my friend. I don’t know why but I am just drawn to him and I want to know more about him. His life story, favorite movies, least favorite instrument to play; I just want to know.

So i have been scowling the internet for clues. First I looked up what a crush was according to everyone else. More of, what does it feel like for other people? From the romanceclass.com, I read an article about what a crush is. To summarize, they basically say a crush is admiring someone from afar. Sometimes it’s because of the fear that the feeling wont be returned. I mean, they make me feel a lot better by saying its more of a thing that happens when you’re young or a teenager.

Second, I took a quiz, Do you have a crush on them?, which came out inconclusive. Leave it to me to have an inconclusive answer for a random silly test online. Now I am looking at the 17 signs you may like someone on a fellow WordPress blog. ( http://marvzg.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/17-signs-that-you-like-someone/ )

15 were actually real questions and out of the 15 I got 8 which still doesn’t really help. So I read another article ( http://www.mademan.com/mm/10-signs-you-someone.html) and out of those i got a 7 out 10. My general feeling/answers were

  1. I get nervous when they’re around
  2. I smile for no reason when i think of them or when they’re around
  3. I enjoy talking him (and our clever banter)
  4. I think about him (obviously)
  5. I go out of my way to help him
  6. I make sure I look not a mess around them.
  7. I compliment him a lot

So I don’t know. I feel much better that crushes don’t happen to me anymore with their explanation. What I feel is hard explain. I love seeing him being bashful and having clever banter and meaningful conversations. I enjoy the parts of our personalities that are the same and how they seem to manifest into a glowing light. I guess for me, he brightens my day and I enjoy his presence that I can’t get enough of it. I think I may just be obsessing in the good way that just involves seeing if he is online and be incredibly kind to make him bashful.

I know I am strange. I guess the only way to actually know is to think about kissing him. If I were to close my eyes and envision seeing him come close to face, noses grazing each other and our lips finally touching… that makes me feel embarrassed. My cheeks feel prickly and warm. But in a way it feels wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for him and he is wayyy out of my league. He is so sweet and kind. Then there’s me, the damaged foul-mouthed black chick with a painful past. My friends Sam says I could be asexual or demisexual…words I don’t understand.

So yes, I have a lot to think about. No one is probably going to read this but I’d like to try a poll and see what you guys think. Please feel free to answer the poll and if you want, I am always welcoming comments on the subject, my blog or anything about myself.

K bye!

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