Tag Archives: dating

Whovians are full of information

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Ive had some time to contemplate and what does it get me? 

Me quitting my job. Yes. I did the young adult thing and quit a job less than a month into it. It was causing me physical and psychological pain. Plus, I didn’t have time to write anymore. I started to lose all my hobbies. I need a 9 to 5, not a 2pm to 2am with a 15 minute break. No thank you. 

I went to an amazing Whovians singles night for Doctor who fans. I brought my mother but i mostly went to gain friends. I dont have any here. What i learned was that I may have a problem. Im not attracted to anyone. I looked around the room and felt no real attraction to anyone. I did not find a guy that i wanted to spend my whole night chatting with, and giving my number to. I thought about giving my number to a guy dressed as The Master, but I just wasnt feeling it. So maybe its me? I have two theories about this: 

Theory #1: My standards are too high.

I would say this is true, if this were high school. In high school, I had outrageous standards. The guy had to be emo, white and skinny. He had to speak perfect english and have the personality of Gerard Way of My chemical romance. But now i have learned that people are beautiful. I don’t really have many standards anymore. I like to get to know people. If we have a nice conversation and I blush at one point, or get cotton mouth. Then its a yes. Too often now I find myself going after guys I dont really like enough to date. The thought process is”Hmm…. That person is cool. I wonder what it would be like to date him? Let’s see.” I dont really like them with a fiery burning passion. I don’t really like them. Its straight curiosity. Then, when i get bored, i break up with them. Its straight up sadist, masochistic, and selfishly heartless. 

Theory #2: Maybe I’m asexual?

Asexual: refrains from expressing any sexual desires towards others. That almost sounds right. I think I may have set myself up for failure. Since I was in elementary school, I have reframed from telling people how I feel. (Ill explain in a later post my elementary school fear) I am often afraid of telling people how i feel because im worried they may find me unattractive. I tell myself in my mind that I dont have the right to tell a guy, regardless of how attractive, that I like him. And in the longrun, I tell myself that I dont really like that guy. I am much better off trying to have a friend than dating when i know it wont work. 

On the other hand, I have been near a guy that literally caused a waterfall in my panties. And the other day, a guy leaned in close to me to show me something, and i could feel the heat from his body, which made me blush. So, I may be setting unrealistic expectations for myself. I daydream a lot about falling in love and dating different types of guys. So I may hav accidentally made myself asexual. But, I am not afraid! I am not worried about approaching a hot guy and holding a conversation with them. I have to let their mind and personality speak before i acknowledge their attractiveness. 

So I am just not quite sure what to think anymore. I may have a problem, or I may not. Im just not attracted to a normal guy. I dont have a type, but yet, i do have one but I dont know it. 

If anyone has any advice, feel free to comment, or tell me how ridiculous I am. 

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I know I talk some shit but…

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If you havent noticed from my blog, I tal shit about guys.. a lot. And it’s not because I don’t have any men in my life. I have plenty of male friends and I always tend to get along with them better then women. So I thought, since I talk shit all the time, I may just talk about my personal dream guy. 

When I look back at my childhood, I was not normal. All the other girls in my class wanted to be princesses, while I wanted to be Aladin. Or a lion on the Lion King. While other girls were dreaming about prince charming and their future weddings, I dreamed of owning a digimon and waking up to Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon in my bed. YES. I am strange, and sometimes a bit crazy. But all the great people in history were crazy, so it’s like a compliment. 

My dream guy needs soul. Not soul like being Gangster or a rapper. But straight up Motown dirty soul. Yes, I prefer white guys, preferably with big noses, and red hair.

I guess my dream guys would include:

Image Eric Hutchinson

I don’t know what it is but there is something about a white guy who has soul, that is completely sexy. He sings the truth with an amazing melody. I freaked the hell out when he responded to me on Twitter. 

I also love me some Joe Brooks, Justin Nozuka, Matt Nathanson, Jason Mraz, Andy Grammar, and Paolo Nutini. They sing about appreciate women for who they are, not the way they want a skinny body that they can fuck for 5 minutes and get bored. They have the attitudes of men who would marry someone they loved in a heartbeat. I did meet one guy like these guys in college but he was so sweet and wholesome and more christian than i had ever seen and he made me look like a harlot in comparison. But we were friends for a while and I never got butterflies around him. 

But yeah, I just want a soulful guy who has been around people of different cultures and appreciate the amazing people in the world, like I do. I want someone who doesnt make me realize every waking moment that i’m their “black girlfriend.” It’s been so long since I’ve talked to a guy and gotten completely tongue-tied and dry-mouthed because they were that awesome! 

Rule #8: You’re allowed to like what you like

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Scenario 1:

You’re reading your favorite magazine and your significant other comes over and looks at what you’re reading. You hear them laugh, then sit down. You ask what is so funny and they say, “Nothing. I just can’t believe you read magazines like Cosmo and Glamour who think they know what men want.” You frown. “Well, they ask  guys what they think.”

“How do you really know? They always come up with something stupid. You need to read something else that isn’t stupid.”

Scenario 2:

You find something really cool or really fun (like a youtube video or tv show) and you want to show your ‘man’. You bring it to him and he watches two seconds and turns it off, right there, and walks away saying, “I just cant watch this.” and they walk away.

Now… This happens to me in every relationship and it pisses me off probably more than a guy telling me he wished I would change something about my body. I tried to show a guy i liked something really funny, and it was incredibly funny, then he turned it off saying he was done. He didnt even give it a chance. I also like to read Cosmo, but he gave me extreme hell about it because he saw something on college humor making fun of the sex articles in the magazine, believing it to be true and automatically gained an opinion about a magazine he has never even opened. He made me feel bad about it and i got sad. Whenever someone makes you stop liking your interests because they think they are stupid….GET OUT!!

You will never be happy. I used to never be happy in relationships before because guys would make fun of what i like. I would get insulted and feel bad about liking my girly stuff. In the end, I would give it all up. I was never happy until we broke up when i started doing things i used to love and saw how angry it made my boyfriend. I would always try to show them things, and because they werent interested in what i was saying and showing them, they would walk away like i wasnt trying to share something.

I feel like its incredibly selfish when someone you’re with wont let you share something with them just becase they arent interested. Arent people youre with supposed to want to know more about  you? They aren’t supposed to dismiss you just because its not something they automatically like. Being in a couple means you share everything with each other. You learn things about each other and love everything about each other. You’re supposed to love everything about that person, even the things you hate. Thats what a relationship is supposed to be.

Instead i find close-minded guys who bitch like women on their periods when i have my own interests because im not dismissive about what i love to do and read. Remember that guy i talked about earlier? The one who made fun of me for liking Cosmo? Well, he did it way too many times, and I cursed him out. He was fussing about a magazine article where researchers gave trivia about the truth about penises. He fussed because he didn’t think it was right. He yelled and fussed about how magazines give you the wrong idea about men and how they don’t know anything and it’s all fabricated and blah blah blah.

I stopped him. “LOOK!! Just because you think everything on the internet is true doesn’t mean that it is! The people in this magazine actually do research and ask guys what turns them on. They even give the guys’ twitter adresses to prove they are real. They have reports from researchers that support their articles.”

His response? “Oh really? I would like to see those research reports because i doubt they have them. Its a bunch of crap.”

Me: “I bet if you call them and ask for the actual research reports, they can send them to you! How about you ask those dumb asses on Reddit, or whereever the fuck you get your information, to supply you with some tangible research. Until then, im gonna keep reading my magazines and i dont want to hear a damn thing about it from you!”

That may seem mean, but you dont know this guy. He believes everything he reads on Reddit as truth because, i suspect, he was too scared to go out and live life. He lives life bi-curiously through the internet, even sex. All he watches is porn and reddit shit. End. Of.

Yes, I sound mean but sometimes you have to stand up for what you want to do. There are quite a few guys out there who don’t want you to have your own hobbies. Just beware and continue to love what you love because those things make you who you are.

PS. let me just say that I have always read Cosmopolitan since I was little. Everything i know how to do came from that magazine, and i have had rave reviews. So…yeah. He can suck it!

Rule #6 Be a little bit conceited……just a little

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I posted the video Conceited by Remy Ma for many reasons. Let me first set the record straight. I am a entertainment business major so i listen to all types of music, so just because i post a rap video does not make me a hood rat, a ghetto bitch, or a statistic. I have the right to listen to what I want. Last night, I listened to Justin Beiber and this morning I was singing Ur So Gay by Katy Perry. 

But I posted this video because it made me realize something.  Yes, this video and song is very materialistic and ghetto but I can always see things in another view. Remy Ma is a 30 year old Grammy Nominated rapper from the Bronx. I like this song Conceited by her because it makes a valid point. Two sets of lyrics stood out to me from this song:

Miraculous, phenomenal and
Ain’t nobody in here stopping you
Show no love ‘cus you whut’s up
Look at ya self in the mirror like what da fuck
Damn I look good and can’t nobody freak it like I could
Yeah okay I got a little fat butt
My shorty tell me he like it like that
I’m happy
…….

See I look to good to be fuckin’ you
And I look to good to be loving you
You know, I look way to good to stuck with you
I’m conceited I got a reason

I felt like i agree with her. What I got was that you need to be a little bit conceited with yourself to create some kind of confidence. My favorite quote is from The Perks of Being A WallFlower.( We Accept the love we think we deserve. )Completely true! I have had so many friends who dont like themselves who end up with complete assholes! I have a friend now who works and attends school 24/7. She acts like a battered wife waiting around in quiet rooms for her boyfriend to get home. When she invites me to hang out with her, she doesnt ask “Hey! Lets go shopping or get coffee” instead its “Hey, wanna hang out until my boyfriend gets off work.” We spend the next 3 hours sitting in her car, trying to decide what to do, usually ending up in his place of work, walking around and starring at him while he works.  I know it sounds petty of me to complain, but thats not the end of the story. The last time we were together, her boyfriend got in the car with a pissy attitude, which, to me, was normal. He was mad for no real reason besides hating his job. When my friend told him about getting her check for the difference off her student loan, he yelled at her.

“I dont see why you needed to get a loan! Youve been able to pay for school without one all this time, you need to return that shit!” She responded by telling him how she failed two classes last semester because she tried to work a lot to pay for her semester. Well… he just kept yelling saying how she never did anything when he was around. She just sat around on her ass and a little more work wouldnt hurt her. The girl was exhausted! Basically, i was sitting in the middle of an argument where he just yelled at her and she accepted it, retreating almost to tears. She had settled for an asshole! I could never tell her this but all the joy and laughter had turned to anxiety about making sure he was happy and catering to his every whim instead of having fun with her friends. She could do so much better! but because she is a bigger girl, she continues to date him instead accepting how amazing she is and that being alone for a while wont hurt you. 

So my sixth rule is to be a bit conceited. I have often fallen for the trap of thinking i was incredibly blessed that one guy found me attractive, even if he was ugly, perverted, a jerk, etc. I was acting desperate just because im a bigger girl. Then i saw this video and realized something….. IM BLACK. I dont have to conform to societies image of a body. Black women are seen as sexy thick women who have curves. We have more muscle tone for its hard to get a space between our thighs. So to see her being proud and not settling for men made me want to change my way of thinking. 

Women just are not conceited enough. I mean, there are some self-absorbed ones but I’m wondering. What would happen if every woman stopped dating men who just asked you out to get their fuck on, the men who only hit on them for a one night stand. What if they looked at the men, or at themselves and think “I look way too good to be fucking him”? Am i crazy? because I think that about a guy i know now, that is bad for me now and I feel 300% better about saying that to him. I feel like saying it gives me permission to move on to the next guy. I just usually feel this obligation to date this person because it doesnt happen very often that a guy likes me. But it doesnt excuse bad behavior or luke warm feelings. As women, we should be allowed to say no and love ourselves, regardless of how unattractive others think we are. WE can have standards!!

No man should make you feel like shit just because you’re different. Because i bet, you’re incredibly sexy, and just don’t know it yet. ;-P 

The way I see it happening is like that scene in Crazy. Stupid. Love. where Steve Carrell’s character returns, after getting laid, and completely rules that bar. So, for the next month, im gonna test it. Im just tired of settling and i dont feel like others should have to either. I never feel sexy but thinking this makes me feel confident and sexy for once. Just.. let me know when it starts going to my head, deal? Haha

The Ginger

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Did you know that 2-5% of people in the world are gingers? That number is decreasing drastically because gingers aren’t marrying gingers. Maria Claire (Best Dating Resource ever) had a writer change her hair color for a month at a time to see how often she got hit on.  Erin Hosier, the writer, was a red head, her favorite but was not happy about the response. Her guy friend told her that red hair is a handicap. Its seen as a fashion statement, like a tattoo, and guys get intimidated by something so flashy. Men want someone down to earth if they are going to be serious, not the wild one. She realized that most of the women in her life were blondes, in relationships, and the brunettes were engaged to be married.

She has a point. Guys may see it as an accessory but I dont think that is fair. Women with red hair are covetted in Hollywood. Women like, Christina Hendricks, can play a classy women in Mad Men and still be a damn bombshell in the real life. The fact that guys dont find them attractive is simply bias, but everyone has their type. I have plenty of male ginger friends who are so friendly and wholeness that its scarily comforting. I have had experiences with two ginger girls, who both knew each other.

The church girl was so awkward and lost in her own thoughts that when she did speak, it was hilarious. She was like a mother in the sense that she took care of everyone in her life. I never met a more amazing person who could accept everyone for who they were. She was not seen as a party girl, she was seen as the girl with the bursting personality who saw you through unjudging eyes.

On the other hand, I was friends with another ginger who’s hair was almost blonde. She lived up to the stereotype. She loved to get drunk and party and shit but she was a bitch in disguise. She had to tell me how guys loved her and how every guy friend we had just wanted to sleep with her. As a matter of fact, one of my friends decided to go red also and she did the exact same thing. Its like the role of the Blondes has now been taken over by the Gingers. Even the matchmaker off Million Matchmaker made the ginger contestant change his hair color because she has seen ginger men walk into a room and expect their ego to be stroked.

Either way, its your decisions to accept what people think of you as truth. I know plenty of girls who wont date a ginger because they are afraid of their children coming out short or weird. Whats wrong with that?! All the best people are crazy, look at Van Gogh. Plus, its just a date. Its not a death sentence. I am often jealous of Gingers because when their hair gets done, its falls so perfectly in soft ringlets.

So i say, embrace your Ginger! It makes you special and unique and if your man, or woman, has predetermined expectation and opinions about gingers, forget about them! You deserve someone who loves you for you, not the color of your hair. You are who you are, end of story.

The Asian

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I read an article in Marie Claire from a woman who talked about the asian complex. She said she was asked out all the time but the majority of the men that asked her out all had Asian fetishes. One ex-boyfriend asked her to smoke a cigarette in her vagina because he saw it in a porno once where an asian woman did that. She also spoke about how she cannot date within her race either, because she just does not relate to them. One woman spoke of how she would research a person to make sure that they liked her and just werent going through a phase of needing more asian people in their life.

I can completely relate. Unfortunately, there are so many Asian fetishes out there that its also hard for them to date successfully. I respect the woman in this article because she is doing what all fetishes have to do. We have to ignore what society wants us to be and surround ourselves with people who see us and, in her case, not the pale skin, black hair, and squinty-ness of her race.

I do, on the other hand, have one problem with some asian women. While in college, I noticed some of the asian exchange students. The first group i met were the nicest bunch of Japanese girls who were in love with my clear bubble umbrella. They were incredibly friendly. But, as time went by, more started to show up and they earned themselves a reputation. The groups after the friendly Japanese girls, came to my school with only one thing on their mind. WHITE DICK.

I didnt know why they werent friendly until my white guy friend told me that they were sluts. He knew first hand that they would giggle like the characters in video games on purpose and wear short dresses on purpose so they can get hit on and guys would sleep with them. They used their nationality to get all the dick they could handle, and the worst thing was that they were not even friendly unless you had a white dick.

I admit that I have fallen for the media version of who asian women are supposed to be. Dumb giggly girls, who look like dolls and the women from Final Fantasy, who were just waiting to be fucked. But, I took a deeper look into their lives. I watched movies from their culture and met quite a few amazing korean people who were completely normal. My eyes were opened to the personality, not the nationality. They were just like everyone else, just misunderstood.

My advice is the same advice that Ji Hyun Lee gives in the article:

“My advice to other Asian women: Initially, it may be hard to gauge whether a guy is a fetishist or is genuinely into you, but if he has a bevy of Asian acquaintances (but can’t keep their names straight) and keeps asking you how flexible you are, you’ve got your answer.”

Marie Claire Article:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/love-and-race-3

Rule #4 Accept only the amazing, not the ordinary.

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Let me tell you this. Dating when you’re like me, or any eccentric light-skinned educated black woman, royally sucks. You fit in with no one race therefore dating is even more a nightmare than usual. I’ve never dated my own race but i have dated men of other races.

I had a friend ask me about this guy I ‘met’ at his party. He wanted to know what happened after we left the party together. Nothing. I do not talk about the details in my life, which includes kissing and telling. What i will explain is the line that you will forever get in the world being like we are. My most favorite line ever…

I want to be with you but……*insert excuse*

This line is a cop-out. Not just because they are trying to get into your pants but because they only wanted to be with you for the thrill. The thrill of telling all their friends that they have kissed a black girl, which ultimately beats out their friends’ whole love life history; rendering it irrelevant. This phrase is followed by another phrase…

If things were different, I would choose you to be my girlfriend

This is also another lie. He just used you for a thrill. He wants to be with you but he knows that his parents wont accept a black girl. (I’ve dated that guy too!) I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend. No, I didn’t force him to ask me, he just did. We were happy for a weekend and then, he just stopped talking to me. He would say good morning, good night, and I was so sweet. I tried my hardest not to be annoying and bother him but i desperately wanted his attention. He was friends with my friends and had time to go to lunch with them, but he never had time for me, which I ignored but then I told him, “I want a relationship, not an acquaintance in which I feel ignored.” Needless to say I found out he was too chicken shit to tell me that he wasn’t coming back to school the next year and he felt awful for not telling me or breaking up with me and didnt want to do the long distance thing with him going off to wherever the hell he was going. I cant say that we are friends still because every text I send him just hurts too much. I dont hate him though. He is still an amazing person.

I’ve also crushed on a guy who was simply intelligent and funny. We had intellectual conversations about everything from planets, space, Clear Channel, Doctor Who, Matt Smith Vs David Tennant etc. I think the reason i liked him was because he could keep up with me. When we hung out, I had to keep up with him not the other way around. Our strange friendship fell apart when he found out i liked him and then he told me that i wasnt his type. I find it classy because he handled it like a man and didnt hate me for liking him. Instead he actually tried to make the friendship worked. Very Classy.

We all wish situations were different but to sit around and wait for things to change wont do anything in your favor. I am just happy being friends with great people. What I love about guys is that, being different, it’s like they let you in. I have had guys tell me their deepest darkest secrets in confidence, and ask me for advice on…..everything! Girls that chase guys never get to see this side of men and I am so blessed to be able to see guys for who they really are.

On the flip side though, I decide who I date. I dont want to just date a guy because he likes me, i want to like him too. I want a guy who doesnt see my color but the awkwardness behind the huge breasts. The quirk, the jive. Everything else!

So my advice is, never chase a guy because a guy who really wants to be with you will make it happen! It takes a special guy to be able to see past the color, ignore the whispers behind his back, embrace the unusually and be able to keep up without grounding you, and stifling your voice. But first, you must love and embrace yourself first. Ignore to stares and whispers behind your back before you ask a guy to do the same.