Ive had some time to contemplate and what does it get me?
Me quitting my job. Yes. I did the young adult thing and quit a job less than a month into it. It was causing me physical and psychological pain. Plus, I didn’t have time to write anymore. I started to lose all my hobbies. I need a 9 to 5, not a 2pm to 2am with a 15 minute break. No thank you.
I went to an amazing Whovians singles night for Doctor who fans. I brought my mother but i mostly went to gain friends. I dont have any here. What i learned was that I may have a problem. Im not attracted to anyone. I looked around the room and felt no real attraction to anyone. I did not find a guy that i wanted to spend my whole night chatting with, and giving my number to. I thought about giving my number to a guy dressed as The Master, but I just wasnt feeling it. So maybe its me? I have two theories about this:
Theory #1: My standards are too high.
I would say this is true, if this were high school. In high school, I had outrageous standards. The guy had to be emo, white and skinny. He had to speak perfect english and have the personality of Gerard Way of My chemical romance. But now i have learned that people are beautiful. I don’t really have many standards anymore. I like to get to know people. If we have a nice conversation and I blush at one point, or get cotton mouth. Then its a yes. Too often now I find myself going after guys I dont really like enough to date. The thought process is”Hmm…. That person is cool. I wonder what it would be like to date him? Let’s see.” I dont really like them with a fiery burning passion. I don’t really like them. Its straight curiosity. Then, when i get bored, i break up with them. Its straight up sadist, masochistic, and selfishly heartless.
Theory #2: Maybe I’m asexual?
Asexual: refrains from expressing any sexual desires towards others. That almost sounds right. I think I may have set myself up for failure. Since I was in elementary school, I have reframed from telling people how I feel. (Ill explain in a later post my elementary school fear) I am often afraid of telling people how i feel because im worried they may find me unattractive. I tell myself in my mind that I dont have the right to tell a guy, regardless of how attractive, that I like him. And in the longrun, I tell myself that I dont really like that guy. I am much better off trying to have a friend than dating when i know it wont work.
On the other hand, I have been near a guy that literally caused a waterfall in my panties. And the other day, a guy leaned in close to me to show me something, and i could feel the heat from his body, which made me blush. So, I may be setting unrealistic expectations for myself. I daydream a lot about falling in love and dating different types of guys. So I may hav accidentally made myself asexual. But, I am not afraid! I am not worried about approaching a hot guy and holding a conversation with them. I have to let their mind and personality speak before i acknowledge their attractiveness.
So I am just not quite sure what to think anymore. I may have a problem, or I may not. Im just not attracted to a normal guy. I dont have a type, but yet, i do have one but I dont know it.
If anyone has any advice, feel free to comment, or tell me how ridiculous I am.