Tag Archives: friendship

It’s a beautiful Saturday

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I am currently writing this between Doctor Who commercial breaks. What a week I have had. Sam has been at my house since Tuesday, she just went home yesterday. I went to work yesterday and it was amazing! I love my new job as a stage manager. Unfortunately, I can not tell anyone about it due to media laws and blah. That’s fine. On a side note, Sam is amazing. I am about to gush about her and if she reads this (or A-R even because I just realized those are his initials. Classy of me), I will probably die. Let’s talk about Sam and A-R.

Sam

She is amazing and sweet but she has been treated bad since she was a small child. The more I hear her story, the more I just want to create a time machine. go back in her timeline, and hold her; just tell her everything will be alright. I am more than happy she didn’t end her life because I would not have met her. What I want to say quickly on this Saturday evening is that I was looking at her instagram pictures and ever since she spent time here with mom and I, she changed. Her last picture was of her smiling. I noticed that she was happy. Like genuinely happy. I caught myself looking through her other photos and they were always eerie unless they were with children. Her eyes as light and not as stressful. She actually looks happy and I am very happy about that. I love my new sister.

A-R

After my last post, I had to rethink some things and my feelings. I prayed about it and talked to Sam about it. I realize that, I am able to have crushes but I am in a transition with my feelings. I have gone from wanting to kiss a guy to just wanting to know about him. I noticed this yesterday. I was anxious because I know I will never see him again. And for some reason, I was having that same fear with Sam. I feared her leaving because it was a full year after our last visit before I got to see her again. I was worried that time would separate us again. A-r is going off to school and there is a good chance he will forget me. I don’t want that to happen, with either of them. What I want is to be there for A-R like I am there for Sam. Only difference is, I feel this strange desperation to know everything about him. I daydream about him being as excited about seeing me when he returns for the holidays as I am when I see him every week. I want to receive a hug and a genuine sweet smile like he always gives me when I pay him a compliment. I just enjoy every type of interaction I can have with him and I cherish the memories in the core of my heart. Yes, I sound like a hopeless romantic but these are the feeling I am feeling. I want to know everything about his family, his favorite movie, favorite band, what musician inspired him to play, when did he start believing in God?, how many siblings does he have. All innocent questions but I have anxiety about it 80% of every day. So I have decided, I am in an emotional transition. I remembered how I read a bible study on my iPhone about dating. At the time, it made no real effect on my life. I was hoping I could find a guy that was not worried about the physical and wanted to be married. I forgot I did this and I think now its working.  I have gone from love sick girl who develops shallow crushes on cute guys who are completely out of my league to becoming someone who wants to everything about someone. Not because I am nosy but because I really want to know so I can relate to them. The things God can do in your life.

In conclusion:

Yes, these new feelings are crushes. I can have a crush (Whoop!!) but my feelings have matured . I do like A-R but not for a relationship. He is so cute, sweet and not a skinny little kid which I do find attractive. BUT… he is also a guy who is more than a pretty face. I see him as a handsome person who has such a beautifully pure soul which is incredibly rare. He lights up a room with his smile but befriends people with his pure heart. I would never date him but I would like him as a friend. When I asked him to be my friend a long time ago, I actually meant it. It’s unfortunate that he read my actions wrong. Now I cannot tell him this because people have issues with hearing other people’s true feelings. I am incredibly blunt, another reason we arent friends, and I tell the truth, always….well 95% of the time. I am not cruel. But yes, it sucks that he read my intentions wrong and I often pray that God will allow me to be his friend. If not, he has a kind card with encouraging words from an old friend.
As for Sam, I am dead determined to be there for her. I admit to missing her presence at my house and having someone to share my story with but I know I will her again soon. The great thing is that she has given me the drive to get my license so I can come spend time with her on my days off so she wont feel so alone. I adore her like a sister. She is just like A-R but she has just lived more life than him. I worry for A-R because I know how cruel the world is and how it can make you feel like you’re alone. With Sam, I know that she can survive but I dont want her to feel like no one is there for her when she needs help or if she falls. I will be her helping hand.

All of this sounds strange but these are my true feelings. I hold my friends close to my heart and I don’t let go. (I mean that in a good way. lol)

K bye

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What exactly is a “crush”?

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I have been reading and researching what constitutes a crush. I admit, I feel like I am obsessing but I am just curious. I may have mentioned a specific guy before but I guess I will remind everyone. There is a guy that I know nothing about but for reason I get a type of high from hanging around him. I enjoy being around people in general. I love the way we interact and I am in love with making people happy. The joy that spreads across their cheeks when they see an old friend. The embarrassment from a compliment. I just genuinely love people and especially my friends. This particular guy, I don’t know what it is. Its like any and every interaction you have with him makes him bashful. Its adorable. First, I thought, I must have a crush on him but it didn’t feel like the normal way of a crush. My mouth didn’t get dry and the thought of “liking” him made it difficult to actually form words.
I decided later to stop liking him and it was way too easy to stop. Now I am able to talk to him without any real anticipation, our awkward moments don’t feel like failures. I don’t obsessively count the amount of weekly interactions we have to make sure I don’t annoy him. Its fine but I have this odd lingering feeling. So I have been trying to figure it out. I can’t develop a crush like any other person, my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I have to tell myself that this person is attractive to me, for me to have a crush and want to be romantically involved. And then, I get fed up with my own feelings and awkwardness and stop crushing. I get emotionally exhausted. Just when I think I let go, for some reason, I keep coming back and now I am determined to make him my friend. I don’t know why but I am just drawn to him and I want to know more about him. His life story, favorite movies, least favorite instrument to play; I just want to know.

So i have been scowling the internet for clues. First I looked up what a crush was according to everyone else. More of, what does it feel like for other people? From the romanceclass.com, I read an article about what a crush is. To summarize, they basically say a crush is admiring someone from afar. Sometimes it’s because of the fear that the feeling wont be returned. I mean, they make me feel a lot better by saying its more of a thing that happens when you’re young or a teenager.

Second, I took a quiz, Do you have a crush on them?, which came out inconclusive. Leave it to me to have an inconclusive answer for a random silly test online. Now I am looking at the 17 signs you may like someone on a fellow WordPress blog. ( http://marvzg.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/17-signs-that-you-like-someone/ )

15 were actually real questions and out of the 15 I got 8 which still doesn’t really help. So I read another article ( http://www.mademan.com/mm/10-signs-you-someone.html) and out of those i got a 7 out 10. My general feeling/answers were

  1. I get nervous when they’re around
  2. I smile for no reason when i think of them or when they’re around
  3. I enjoy talking him (and our clever banter)
  4. I think about him (obviously)
  5. I go out of my way to help him
  6. I make sure I look not a mess around them.
  7. I compliment him a lot

So I don’t know. I feel much better that crushes don’t happen to me anymore with their explanation. What I feel is hard explain. I love seeing him being bashful and having clever banter and meaningful conversations. I enjoy the parts of our personalities that are the same and how they seem to manifest into a glowing light. I guess for me, he brightens my day and I enjoy his presence that I can’t get enough of it. I think I may just be obsessing in the good way that just involves seeing if he is online and be incredibly kind to make him bashful.

I know I am strange. I guess the only way to actually know is to think about kissing him. If I were to close my eyes and envision seeing him come close to face, noses grazing each other and our lips finally touching… that makes me feel embarrassed. My cheeks feel prickly and warm. But in a way it feels wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for him and he is wayyy out of my league. He is so sweet and kind. Then there’s me, the damaged foul-mouthed black chick with a painful past. My friends Sam says I could be asexual or demisexual…words I don’t understand.

So yes, I have a lot to think about. No one is probably going to read this but I’d like to try a poll and see what you guys think. Please feel free to answer the poll and if you want, I am always welcoming comments on the subject, my blog or anything about myself.

K bye!

Wednesday: encouraging letters to friends

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I have so much to say and so little time. I’ve got all my homework due and yet, here I am, not doing it. Anyway, here is how my week has gone…

My special friend is here!

Shes an incredible girl that I am just gonna call Samantha. She’s slept over the last two nights and went to church with me which I really appreciate. It looked like she really enjoyed it and met a lot of people. Ill have more to say about her in another post but….. I wrote encouraging letters to two of my friends. Basically, I had a birthday getaway and I was not expecting anyone to come at all. Well My female friend and my male friend came. I really was not expecting it at all. EM was promising she would come and she came. She was probably the only one I would think would try to make it, if she wasn’t busy. So, she came and she told me that a guy I had barely made friends with was coming. It was the best day ever because we swam for a while and then sat in the rented beach chairs for a couple hours. After that we went to get coffee and talked for a while, thought about getting matching henna tattoos and then went home. It was the best birthday since I was 8 that involved anyone that was not family.

Today I wrote them both encouraging thank you cards with bible verses on the front. I made multiple drafts of the perfect things to say to them. and I just put the cards with their things and left. I have this issue with doing nice things. Like, when it’s a female, i feel like they will think I am weird and trying to buy their love/friendship. With guys, they think it is me hitting on them. It’s never what they think. I just feel like showing love to people that make my days a little brighter. I don’t have siblings and if i did, I would want them to be my sister and brother.

Anyway, back to the story. I was walking with Samantha around church looking for a girl who came alone. We wanted to make sure that she was not left alone outside while waiting for her parents. So we were walking and (A-R is what i’ll call him) came up and I literally died inside. He said that he read my note and he really appreciated it. Then he gave me a hug. And I told him to have a nice night. Literally, I think my brain froze. I was mostly embarrassed since it was all happening in front of Samantha. I barely remember what I said but he gave me hug. He never speaks to me! Let alone, gives me a hug. One day, he gave me a high five and it was the most awkward high five ive ever received.

I just felt the need to encourage them. A-R because he is young and going off to school and one day he is gonna feel like no one cares about him. Or he will feel lonely, and I want him to at least feel like he can look at that card, read the words, and be reminded that people at Van Dyke actually care about him and all he had to do is reach out to them.

I also wanted to send EM a letter because she does a lot and I know what she looks like when she get overwhelmed. So I wanted to give her words to read when she is feeling stressed or down.

I love them like family and I am glad they enjoyed their cards.

Idk. I just felt like talking about them. I love making my friends feel loved. is that wrong? lol

Rule #10 Don’t look back

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I have this amazing friend who I cant stop thinking about. We used to be really good friends. we would sit and talk about music, anime, technology and video games. I had fun hanging out with him and his dorm mates. It was my friendly reprieve away from the bitches that i was friends with. I had two groups of friends: 1. the girls who constantly competed for affection and compliments. 2. The guys who let me have their beds and watch yu yu hakusho until time for me to check out. Now that I think of it, i really enjoyed the ability to be myself back then. 

When I think about it, it makes me sad because it all feels like a lie. The guys were only nice to me because I had huge breasts but the girls were still bitches. Truth be told, i am not friends with any of them. It pains me to know that I have failed at keeping people in my life. So my #10 rule is to not look back. I start hating myself when I do and it makes me feel like I am worthless. I know this is not true but being a woman of the 21th century, my thoughts about what other people think of me is the only truth. In reality, it is not true. The guy I was talked about is the least likely guy for me to ever think of dating. He was a complete dork with an overwhelming personality that girls run from. He was not a bad person at, he was quite amazing in his own way. Being around him was like watching your first British TV show, like Skins or the It Crowd, having to stop and think about the culture and language in order to understand the jokes. When you finally do understand, they become your favorite shows. That’s him! 

I found myself thinking back because we text every once in a while. I must admit that even though we are 600 miles away, I still have feelings for him. We just never connected back in college because I was with people who only wanted to be surrounded by sexy and really hot guys, not the normal ones who think with brain not their penis. So, i rejected him and he treated me like crap back. At least I know i was not mature enough to actually have a normal relationship. Now that I am, i find myself wanted another chance but a part of me knows it will never happen like that. As much as i reach out and we flirt aimlessly, nothing will be the same and he won’t choose me. 

This rule is a rule that I constantly battle with because all I do is look back at all the times people treated me badly, walked away when i needed a friend, told me I was fat and ugly, and rejected me. Back then, I couldnt fight back because I didnt have the courage nor the confidence. I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. I can accept your criticism and take it like a man. I live my life so I pick and choose what truths I want to dwell on. No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and I don’t have the right to make others feel bad about themselves. I choose my thoughts and opinions and I choose to keep them positive. Therefore, I am letting him go. I’m not going to ignore his existence, i’m going to talk to him, but I wont get my hopes up or text first anymore. I’m going to let a dying friendship die and rest in peace. 

If my dear friend is reading this, I would love to tell him how much I liked him back at school but I was not mature enough to recognize it. He is lucky that I wasn’t because I would have destroyed him. Our friendship now is based off nostalgia. I hope to God that I am wrong about that and we remain friends forever. In the chance I am right, I hope you stay as amazing as you are and that you find someone who accepts that, because you are completely worth it!