Tag Archives: God

It’s a beautiful Saturday

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I am currently writing this between Doctor Who commercial breaks. What a week I have had. Sam has been at my house since Tuesday, she just went home yesterday. I went to work yesterday and it was amazing! I love my new job as a stage manager. Unfortunately, I can not tell anyone about it due to media laws and blah. That’s fine. On a side note, Sam is amazing. I am about to gush about her and if she reads this (or A-R even because I just realized those are his initials. Classy of me), I will probably die. Let’s talk about Sam and A-R.

Sam

She is amazing and sweet but she has been treated bad since she was a small child. The more I hear her story, the more I just want to create a time machine. go back in her timeline, and hold her; just tell her everything will be alright. I am more than happy she didn’t end her life because I would not have met her. What I want to say quickly on this Saturday evening is that I was looking at her instagram pictures and ever since she spent time here with mom and I, she changed. Her last picture was of her smiling. I noticed that she was happy. Like genuinely happy. I caught myself looking through her other photos and they were always eerie unless they were with children. Her eyes as light and not as stressful. She actually looks happy and I am very happy about that. I love my new sister.

A-R

After my last post, I had to rethink some things and my feelings. I prayed about it and talked to Sam about it. I realize that, I am able to have crushes but I am in a transition with my feelings. I have gone from wanting to kiss a guy to just wanting to know about him. I noticed this yesterday. I was anxious because I know I will never see him again. And for some reason, I was having that same fear with Sam. I feared her leaving because it was a full year after our last visit before I got to see her again. I was worried that time would separate us again. A-r is going off to school and there is a good chance he will forget me. I don’t want that to happen, with either of them. What I want is to be there for A-R like I am there for Sam. Only difference is, I feel this strange desperation to know everything about him. I daydream about him being as excited about seeing me when he returns for the holidays as I am when I see him every week. I want to receive a hug and a genuine sweet smile like he always gives me when I pay him a compliment. I just enjoy every type of interaction I can have with him and I cherish the memories in the core of my heart. Yes, I sound like a hopeless romantic but these are the feeling I am feeling. I want to know everything about his family, his favorite movie, favorite band, what musician inspired him to play, when did he start believing in God?, how many siblings does he have. All innocent questions but I have anxiety about it 80% of every day. So I have decided, I am in an emotional transition. I remembered how I read a bible study on my iPhone about dating. At the time, it made no real effect on my life. I was hoping I could find a guy that was not worried about the physical and wanted to be married. I forgot I did this and I think now its working.  I have gone from love sick girl who develops shallow crushes on cute guys who are completely out of my league to becoming someone who wants to everything about someone. Not because I am nosy but because I really want to know so I can relate to them. The things God can do in your life.

In conclusion:

Yes, these new feelings are crushes. I can have a crush (Whoop!!) but my feelings have matured . I do like A-R but not for a relationship. He is so cute, sweet and not a skinny little kid which I do find attractive. BUT… he is also a guy who is more than a pretty face. I see him as a handsome person who has such a beautifully pure soul which is incredibly rare. He lights up a room with his smile but befriends people with his pure heart. I would never date him but I would like him as a friend. When I asked him to be my friend a long time ago, I actually meant it. It’s unfortunate that he read my actions wrong. Now I cannot tell him this because people have issues with hearing other people’s true feelings. I am incredibly blunt, another reason we arent friends, and I tell the truth, always….well 95% of the time. I am not cruel. But yes, it sucks that he read my intentions wrong and I often pray that God will allow me to be his friend. If not, he has a kind card with encouraging words from an old friend.
As for Sam, I am dead determined to be there for her. I admit to missing her presence at my house and having someone to share my story with but I know I will her again soon. The great thing is that she has given me the drive to get my license so I can come spend time with her on my days off so she wont feel so alone. I adore her like a sister. She is just like A-R but she has just lived more life than him. I worry for A-R because I know how cruel the world is and how it can make you feel like you’re alone. With Sam, I know that she can survive but I dont want her to feel like no one is there for her when she needs help or if she falls. I will be her helping hand.

All of this sounds strange but these are my true feelings. I hold my friends close to my heart and I don’t let go. (I mean that in a good way. lol)

K bye

Car accidents and boy trouble….

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It does not seem like those two things go together but I have a perfectly good explanation as to why they fit together.

Grandma and I got into a car accident today. It was bumper to bumper traffic and a man in a huge F350 pickup truck slammed into the rear of 1991 steel chevy pick up truck which slammed into the back of our car. If the kid behind us didnt have his foot on the breaks, we would have seriously been injured. Our trunk got smashed in but everything works. The trucks had barely any problems but the kid behind us got whip lash so bad that the back of his head busted the glass window behind his head. He was bleeding bad but he didnt want to go to the hospital due to his insurance not kicking in yet. We are all fine, and the car still runs even though it currently looks like shit. Unfortunately, this meant me not going to church:
#1 because I had not eaten,
#2 Mom was so worried she had a panic attack at the house,
#3 I was not feeling well,
#4 grandma was not in a state to drive.
Grandma was very shaken up, she doesnt handle stress well, so I had to take over and call the cops, get both of us checked out by the EMTs and call the insurance company all while keeping mom updated. Mom was very proud of me for taking control even though I had never been in an accident before.

Grandma is fine, just incredibly tired with low sugar. Me on the other hand, I accidentally hit myself in the face with my hand which has resulted in a sore nose and my left shoulder is giving me fits. Now that I am home, my legs are vibrating but it could be the shock of the event. Its been hours and I am just now calming down. My mind keeps switching between being sleepy and wide awake. I just cant relax. The oddest thing is that I knew we were about to get into a crash right before it happened. I felt it coming. I had not seen anything or head breaks squealing. We just stopped and about 10 second later an overwhelming feeling took over that something unfortunate was coming. and BOOM!! Engage whiplash.

Now I’m sitting on my floor, working on my costume, and talking to my ex-ish person. Here is how boy trouble and car accidents come together. I had a guy from my past that I cursed out for being a jerk, text me. He told me I was right about our previous argument and proceeded to chat me up. I knew what was coming. He was gonna try to flirt. So I told him that his flirtation is wasted because I am looking for someone who loves me and isn’t just interested in the sex they got from their previous partners. I told him I am not interested in having sex with anyone until I am married because I dont see the point in sharing something intimate with someone who couldnt care less what happened to you after unless it involves sexting and making plans for more sex. He was accepting but told me not to give up on guys. I never said I gave up! I just said that I am not subscribing to his type of love.

Sorry, not sorry.

Then I told my ex about the accident. He just gave me a lecture about how sometimes cars cant take a beating and how being in an accident is statistically rare and how I should feel lucky because accidents like that may never happen to me again. (He seriously said this, I have the messages!!!!) His only sentiment was in the form of sarcasm, “Well I take it you are okay if you can text”.

ASSHOLE. Sorry, I have been trying to stop cursing but he deserves that. I just wanted to know that he cares that I am okay, I didnt ask for a backhanded get well message and a lecture on statistics of car accidents. Basically, He made me feel like crap. Just thinking about talking to him annoys me. He just makes me feel down about myself. I used to think that we would be great together when he grew up a bit and decided that complimenting girls was something he would fathom doing.

I’m over it. Officially, just over him. Everyone else was worried and made sure I was fine. Him, nope. Fear of losing one of the few people that talks to him is not an emotion he understands. I just told him that and he is not going to be happy with the message I sent him and I half regret it but not really. He can handle it. I didnt call him names or anything like that, just told him the truth and ended the conversation.

I think God just used this experience to allow me to re-think my choice in guys/friends. Recently, I’ve had weird happenings with a particular guy. He recently started talking to me and we relate on many things (Doctor Who, video games). Basically, he fit into my friend type/group so well that I barely recognized that he slipped in my group of friends. We dont hang out a lot but when we do, its amazing. Recently, we find ourselves catching eyes and he stares at me. It’s weird. He has decided giving me hugs is a great idea every time he sees me and is always bringing up the things I’m interested in. I don’t jump to conclusions but I can say that I am enjoying having someone taking interests in things that I enjoy and not being afraid to let their freak flag fly. It’s refreshing. I don’t think he likes me because I have not been trying to attract anyone. Ive gained 20 pounds because i’ve just been fine with who I am. I want to be 100% myself all the time. So it’s odd that someone likes who I am.

Anyway, connecting the two….Basically, Ive been thinking about him a lot and feeling loved thanks to my lovely friends at church. Then I pick up my phone, text that asshole, and I immediately regret my existence. I’m taking this as a sign that this guy is not someone I should be with. If I died, he would just say “my condolences, here is a card for the best prices for used car parts and a groupon for cheap grave sites.” <——— That's all true and I am being kind. No tact. So for now, I'm gonna stay awake and work on my costume, keep stretching to check for internal injuries, keep thanking God for my friends at church, and keep thinking about a good guy and never text that ASSHOLE again.

I don't want his type of sympathy or love.