Tag Archives: guys

What exactly is a “crush”?


I have been reading and researching what constitutes a crush. I admit, I feel like I am obsessing but I am just curious. I may have mentioned a specific guy before but I guess I will remind everyone. There is a guy that I know nothing about but for reason I get a type of high from hanging around him. I enjoy being around people in general. I love the way we interact and I am in love with making people happy. The joy that spreads across their cheeks when they see an old friend. The embarrassment from a compliment. I just genuinely love people and especially my friends. This particular guy, I don’t know what it is. Its like any and every interaction you have with him makes him bashful. Its adorable. First, I thought, I must have a crush on him but it didn’t feel like the normal way of a crush. My mouth didn’t get dry and the thought of “liking” him made it difficult to actually form words.
I decided later to stop liking him and it was way too easy to stop. Now I am able to talk to him without any real anticipation, our awkward moments don’t feel like failures. I don’t obsessively count the amount of weekly interactions we have to make sure I don’t annoy him. Its fine but I have this odd lingering feeling. So I have been trying to figure it out. I can’t develop a crush like any other person, my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I have to tell myself that this person is attractive to me, for me to have a crush and want to be romantically involved. And then, I get fed up with my own feelings and awkwardness and stop crushing. I get emotionally exhausted. Just when I think I let go, for some reason, I keep coming back and now I am determined to make him my friend. I don’t know why but I am just drawn to him and I want to know more about him. His life story, favorite movies, least favorite instrument to play; I just want to know.

So i have been scowling the internet for clues. First I looked up what a crush was according to everyone else. More of, what does it feel like for other people? From the romanceclass.com, I read an article about what a crush is. To summarize, they basically say a crush is admiring someone from afar. Sometimes it’s because of the fear that the feeling wont be returned. I mean, they make me feel a lot better by saying its more of a thing that happens when you’re young or a teenager.

Second, I took a quiz, Do you have a crush on them?, which came out inconclusive. Leave it to me to have an inconclusive answer for a random silly test online. Now I am looking at the 17 signs you may like someone on a fellow WordPress blog. ( http://marvzg.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/17-signs-that-you-like-someone/ )

15 were actually real questions and out of the 15 I got 8 which still doesn’t really help. So I read another article ( http://www.mademan.com/mm/10-signs-you-someone.html) and out of those i got a 7 out 10. My general feeling/answers were

  1. I get nervous when they’re around
  2. I smile for no reason when i think of them or when they’re around
  3. I enjoy talking him (and our clever banter)
  4. I think about him (obviously)
  5. I go out of my way to help him
  6. I make sure I look not a mess around them.
  7. I compliment him a lot

So I don’t know. I feel much better that crushes don’t happen to me anymore with their explanation. What I feel is hard explain. I love seeing him being bashful and having clever banter and meaningful conversations. I enjoy the parts of our personalities that are the same and how they seem to manifest into a glowing light. I guess for me, he brightens my day and I enjoy his presence that I can’t get enough of it. I think I may just be obsessing in the good way that just involves seeing if he is online and be incredibly kind to make him bashful.

I know I am strange. I guess the only way to actually know is to think about kissing him. If I were to close my eyes and envision seeing him come close to face, noses grazing each other and our lips finally touching… that makes me feel embarrassed. My cheeks feel prickly and warm. But in a way it feels wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for him and he is wayyy out of my league. He is so sweet and kind. Then there’s me, the damaged foul-mouthed black chick with a painful past. My friends Sam says I could be asexual or demisexual…words I don’t understand.

So yes, I have a lot to think about. No one is probably going to read this but I’d like to try a poll and see what you guys think. Please feel free to answer the poll and if you want, I am always welcoming comments on the subject, my blog or anything about myself.

K bye!


Labor day sleeplessness…


I have had lots of time, by myself, to think about things. Mostly I have been thinking about guys. I know, I am such a girl. But this is my blog, so I am gonna talk about whatever I want. Today’s subject just happens to be boys.

I realize that I do not have a type. I am so open-minded, its distressing. I told my mother the other day that I don’t develop crushes anymore. The closest to a crush I get is when I finally realize that a guy is flirting, then I run the scenario through my head. Would this person make a good boyfriend? Do we have the same interests? Are they just talking to me to “hit that”? Its like i apply this person’s personality into my day dream of the perfect relationship. Usually, we break up in my head. I know that sounds insane but I just know how I want to be treated, how much I willing to give for that person to feel happy, etc. I day dream for a day, and then I see that person the next time and realize, I am not attracted to them. It is perplexing.

No I am not gay. I went to college and lets just say, I have found out that I like guys. but I just cant find myself attracted to anyone. My last heart throbbing, dry mouth crush was so far in the past that I can not remember the guy. I think it was back in high school with my first boyfriend. He was in a relationship with my ex-best friend. We spent a lot of time together and I couldn’t get him off my mind.

Is this a thing? When we get older, do we stop being capable of having crushes on people? Yes, I am physically attracted to people like Brendon Urie. Mostly, I enjoy watching him sing because his lips are beautiful. Don’t judge me! There are certain quirky things about guys I like. My most recent ex has a gigantic nose which I find to be incredibly sexy. And, he had a sexy nerdy brain that made him amazing. Only bad thing is that he could say things that made you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s a constant thing.

So I am stuck. I like quirky guys but most of them are taken. Physically attractive guys think I am weird, fat and one of the guys. Nerdy guys watch porn 24/7 and think all girls are like porn stars, and tent to say incredibly arrogant things that hurt my feelings.

Christian guys are new to me. I don’t want to go near them with my filthy hands. I let my freak flag fly but a lot of them just look at me like they are scared. I am not sorry that I am myself all day, every day. Christian guys see me in two ways, (1) they are afraid to approach me because I am intimidating and black. (2) the ones that do approach just tend to treat me the way the Physically attractive guys do. I’m just not gonna win.

I havent looked at a guy and thought, I would like to kiss you. Just….nothing.

Also! I am just saying that I am intimidating because it’s what women tell each to make themselves feel better. I have been told that I am intimidating by 4 different people. My exes say that I have such a presence that when I am upset, I set the mood for the entire room, without even trying or speaking. My grandma used to tell me my scowl was scaring people away. Mom says that its because I dont stare at my feet when I walk, I look everyone in the eye when I speak, and I walk with confidence. I scare people but intrigue them.

I guess I am just ranting. I can recognize guys I think are cute or attractive but I can’t recognize if I’m attracted to them. Just some food for thought….

Men with character



So theres this guy…. haha no. Im not starting like that. Ever met someone who was relatively attractive and then they open their mouths and you just die of joy? I felt like that today. So there is this guy i met at school who is really cute. I dont really go for the guy all the girls drool over but dude had this laid back type of personality. I ignored him because i knew he would just end up pretenious like the rest of the music guys in my major. Now that im gone, he comments on my Facebook every once in a while. But something happened. Not only does this guy know comic books and video games and graphic design andddd law, but he also speaks fluent french. He posted a fight club photo of himself that he edited and i swear to you, my panties dropped. I was completely caught off guard.
Everything in my being wants to tell this guy he is the sexist man alive just because his brain is amazing. That may not make sense but hear me out. I dont like a guy just because he is hot, i love their brain. You can be a huge nerd with messed up teeth and a huge nose and messy hair, but if you are sweet and respectful with a general love of video games and cosplay, you have won my heart. So there ya go. Mr sexy on my facebook, you have won but i still wouldnt date you for various reasons. (Pst.. youre kind of a jerk. :-/ im sorry but im not sorry)