Tag Archives: life

Just call me Mama J

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It has been a good couple of days since I have written but I have had an interesting week. First, work is more than amazing! My guys are great and already know what they want to do for their set. They listen to me, pay attention to the rules and have nicknamed me Mama J. They are some good guys.

On the other side of things, I am having issues. My heart and soul are conflicted. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I have gone through a lot of depression and constantly praying for friends. I have lost a lot of them but I am slowly creating strong relationships with the people I already have in my life. My problem now is that I can’t seem to get a friend that is…I don’t know. I give a lot in every relationship I have: romantic and non-romantic. I would let them sell my limbs if it meant seeing them happy. But my question is……

Is it healthy to be so kind that it makes you miserable?

don’t say a lot of what’s on my mind with the fear that it will hurt someone else. But lately I have been surrounded by people who are excited to be my friend and use my new skills of active listening to their advantage. I can sit around and listen to you for days, remembering every detail you tell me. But when it’s my turn to share with you, my interests just dont compare with you. Its like I am Taylor Swift and Kanye West is constantly interrupting me about something that he deams is better than what I am doing. My ex would do that to me constantly. I would show him something hilarious but before it could even finish, he would stop it and say he wasn’t going to watch it. I just sat through the last week of you showing me everything you love about yourself and your hobbies and the moment I want to share with you, you dismiss me because it’s not your thing.

That 100% bugs me the crap out of me.

So here are my constant surroundings in a nutshell:

Group 1) people who are nice to my face but I barely know anything about and it’s a very slowly growing relationship of people who think I am odd but love me anyway

Group 2) People who show me everything in the world they love but dismiss my hobbies and interests because it is not their thing

Group 3) People who I am close to that, when I try to show them things, they are so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they dont hear me.

I guess what I am asking for is someone to actually listen to me. I like things that are just as important as the things you like.

Happy May!!!!!

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How wonderful it is to be talking to you guys again. It has been wayyy too long and I am sorry. School had me going crazy for the last two weeks and I am still not done. But, Good News!!! I finished my analytic report today. It was 2,550 words with all sources sited, a title page, and a works cited page. Feels amazing!!

I still have 6 more projects and a portfolio due by friday but its under control. Better news! I turn 22 in 21 days!! so Excited!….welll not really because I am not doing anything. I will probably dress up as a super hero and have another super hero party like I did last year with my Avengers party. 

I am watching Katy Perry’s Part of Me documentary, getting ready for either a workout or a nap. And its got me to thinking. I have gone to school for 4 years, letting my professors and peers mold me. At the beginning it was great and I soon started to have to fight for my right to be who I wanted to be. Now I am an empty canvas looking for a picture. 

(ps. Guess I am going to nap since its raining now.)

I keep asking God to give me something and stop this sad funk I am in. I was tired of trying to be me but at the same time, trying not to offend people with my personality. Last year I went from singing to producing to acting to running. I was insulted for just about everything. I know I have talked about this before but I have different thoughts now. A friend of mine told me that maybe I should stop asking for God to show me the way. That maybe he was waiting on me to make a choice. At that time, I was incredibly depressed and didn’t believe him because everything I touched broke. 

One morning I woke up and realized he was right. I am trying to fit in with the people around me because I felt lonely but then it made me see that I would never put up with this shit when I was younger. I dropped friends like hot cakes, and I picked up friends who were just as weird as me. Back then, I didnt realize who i was but I knew what I stood for. I wanted to help the freak, the oddball, the kid that got picked on. My first boyfriend was even a emo guys who was incredibly damaged. 

Watching this movie made me wonder, why have I lost my way? Have I let the people I met in my major shape my dreams because I was afraid of not living up their expectations? I found myself trying to fit in with them, not revealing the true bands I liked because I know they would think I am lame. I started listening to their stupid music and going to their stupid shows and accepting their opinions, making them mine. 

My mom told me that the reason I dont along with people at my church either is because they are all boring. They have one thing in mind: Getting married and having babies. They want the version of the 1950s christian dream and I want the 2013 christian dream. 

My thoughts brought me back to my original question. The question I asked myself back in 12th grade when I was applying to colleges. What do I love enough to do it forever? My brain came up with many answers that came with negative baggage. My answers included:

  • Traveling: I love the beauty but no one is going to pay me to look at stuff.
  • Singing: Still an option, but I have to commit to what i want to say
  • Writing: I write parts to the books but I get stuck so often
  • Live performance: I was inspired by Vans Warped Tour but its mostly a man’s job.
  • Acting: I love the stage and there is nothing more real than showing people something amazing! (ps to my acting teacher. Not all black women are big booty hoes! so fuck you!)
  • Professional performing: I am a classically trained violist but those people are way to stuck up and horny for me.
  • Managing: I would love to work with an artist. I have the ability to get along with everyone but that also means I have to network with everyone in the entire world to do what I want.

I worked with a record label too but half the time people wouldn’t do what was needed and on the other half, we worked our asses off at the last minute. In the end, I got incredibly disrespected by the people in the label who felt like I wasn’t needed even though I was the oldest member and worked the hardest back than anyone else besides the former president.

So here I am. My ideas are giant and I havent even tried to start to meet them. My best option now is to do what my heart tells me. I dont have to do one thing. I can write and sing and act if i felt like it. i can work with video games or be runner. My life isnt limited by any man.I can go as far as my body can take me, and then i will still keep going until my death. God gave me millions of creative ideas that I shouldnt overlook just because someone treats me badly or because no one thinks I can. Id rather die trying if it means my happiness in the end. 

(sorry if that didnt make sense. I have a bit of rambling i need to get off my chest.) 

Rule #10 Don’t look back

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I have this amazing friend who I cant stop thinking about. We used to be really good friends. we would sit and talk about music, anime, technology and video games. I had fun hanging out with him and his dorm mates. It was my friendly reprieve away from the bitches that i was friends with. I had two groups of friends: 1. the girls who constantly competed for affection and compliments. 2. The guys who let me have their beds and watch yu yu hakusho until time for me to check out. Now that I think of it, i really enjoyed the ability to be myself back then. 

When I think about it, it makes me sad because it all feels like a lie. The guys were only nice to me because I had huge breasts but the girls were still bitches. Truth be told, i am not friends with any of them. It pains me to know that I have failed at keeping people in my life. So my #10 rule is to not look back. I start hating myself when I do and it makes me feel like I am worthless. I know this is not true but being a woman of the 21th century, my thoughts about what other people think of me is the only truth. In reality, it is not true. The guy I was talked about is the least likely guy for me to ever think of dating. He was a complete dork with an overwhelming personality that girls run from. He was not a bad person at, he was quite amazing in his own way. Being around him was like watching your first British TV show, like Skins or the It Crowd, having to stop and think about the culture and language in order to understand the jokes. When you finally do understand, they become your favorite shows. That’s him! 

I found myself thinking back because we text every once in a while. I must admit that even though we are 600 miles away, I still have feelings for him. We just never connected back in college because I was with people who only wanted to be surrounded by sexy and really hot guys, not the normal ones who think with brain not their penis. So, i rejected him and he treated me like crap back. At least I know i was not mature enough to actually have a normal relationship. Now that I am, i find myself wanted another chance but a part of me knows it will never happen like that. As much as i reach out and we flirt aimlessly, nothing will be the same and he won’t choose me. 

This rule is a rule that I constantly battle with because all I do is look back at all the times people treated me badly, walked away when i needed a friend, told me I was fat and ugly, and rejected me. Back then, I couldnt fight back because I didnt have the courage nor the confidence. I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. I can accept your criticism and take it like a man. I live my life so I pick and choose what truths I want to dwell on. No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and I don’t have the right to make others feel bad about themselves. I choose my thoughts and opinions and I choose to keep them positive. Therefore, I am letting him go. I’m not going to ignore his existence, i’m going to talk to him, but I wont get my hopes up or text first anymore. I’m going to let a dying friendship die and rest in peace. 

If my dear friend is reading this, I would love to tell him how much I liked him back at school but I was not mature enough to recognize it. He is lucky that I wasn’t because I would have destroyed him. Our friendship now is based off nostalgia. I hope to God that I am wrong about that and we remain friends forever. In the chance I am right, I hope you stay as amazing as you are and that you find someone who accepts that, because you are completely worth it!

Good Thursday Evening!

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Happy Late Resurection Sunday and Easter. I would wish everyone a late April Fools Day but I hate April Fools Day. Its that one day that i never go online because all this amazing impossible stuff gets posted online and none of it is real. So i tend to stay off Facebook all together. I think it has become a habit to not frequent Facebook. My life is so much more peaceful and calm. I dont have depression issues nor do I have issues with my body issues. My life is so much clearer without Facebook. 

So. I am currently watching one of my favorite movies, Sense and Sensibility  the one with Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant and Alan Rickman. I only love it because Rickman is in it. He is so handsome in the most mysterious way. Its magical. (pun there. haha) I am also procrastinating with this movie since I am suppose to be finishing my homework before Saturday. I go to the Renaisance Festival Saturday!!!! I am so excited! Expect lots of pictures because I have never been and this weekend is the Tattoo expo with free beer and bbq tasting. OMG! Gonna be great!

ALSO… I have tried a new workout……thing. Its from this Youtube channel called Blogilates and this girl seriously kicks my ass. I started April 1st with her workout calendar and I am dying. My knees hurt so bad this evening that I had to take to Alleve and wrapped them in a heating pad, regardless of the 80 degree weather. BUT! My muffintop is disappearing and my ass looks amazing so far. I refuse to stop until the end of the month. I have committed to this and I am sticking to it. 😀 

Talk to you guys later and sorry about the forever late post. Been off my game lately

– ❤ MrsSpamtastic

R.I.P. My Chemical Romance

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Today, the one band that saved my life, split up. Here is what their blog said:

Being in this band for the past 12 years has been a true blessing. We’ve gotten to go places we never knew we would. We’ve been able to see and experience things we never imagined possible. We’ve shared the stage with people we admire, people we look up to, and best of all, our friends. And now, like all great things, it has come time for it to end. Thanks for all of your support, and for being part of the adventure.
My Chemical Romance

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This band has meant so much to me. Band in middle school, I got bullied on the bus to the point where they pulled my hair and threw my books, kicked me and hit my head against the window every day. I wanted nothing more than to make it all stop. I got my revenge on the kids but it still didnt heal the pain and damage left behind. I was left struggling with anxiety and depression.

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I remembering turning on the television and seeing their video “Im not okay, i promise.” I took that song as my personal anthem. They made me realize it was alright not to be okay. I so often pretend like everything in my life is okay because im afraid of what other people think and expect of me, but sometimes it’s alright to not be okay. Life can really suck ass.

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To say this band saved my life is an understatement. I believe in God and I believe he led me to this band. As corny as that may sound, here me out! I used to live in Mississippi and every night I would pray that I would not wake up in the morning. And when i woke up in the morning, i cried because I was still breathing. I hated everything in my life but I had to keep a straight face to keep my loved ones from knowing how upset I was with everything in my life.

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Yes. I did the emo thing, I used to cut but it wasnt for attention. I didnt want anyone to see them, ever. I stopped when I got my first boyfriend, who was a god sent and got me to stop. But later on in life, I remember panicking and crying from an episode of depression. The worst thing was, sitting on the floor of my dorm room bathroom crying because i was afraid the razor I had brought with me. I would constantly scratch my arm to get rid of the urge to cut to somehow release myself from emotion and sadness. Thinking, maybe if I ended it, I could finally rest and get some sleep.

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I still have the problem but what i love about My Chemical Romance is that the lead singer would preach to all the broken hearted outcasts, who wanted nothing more than to not live anymore. He would preach at shows about not using violence and self harm to solve your problems. Living is what is important. Being you and staying ugly is what makes you amazing. Even though they have broken up, I hold their music close to my heart.

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My Chemical Romance will always be my favorite band.

Much ❤

-MrsSpamtastic

 

Meanwhile in the kitchen. ………

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I bought beer today. I am not a fan of lager, i found that out the hard way, but this ale is amazing!!

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I know its a sweet beer but im a liquor drinker. I love vodka and rum but damn. This right here is the bomb dot com. It has the usual beer taste but its smooth. You can taste the apple and caramel undertones. Soooooooooo good.

-Mrsspamtastic

Thanks Carrie Bradshaw

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I met this guy at a speech and debate competition who did a poem that made me fall in love with him. I think it was the tone of the poem not the guy, but he had such an attitude presenting it that i drooled the whole time. I could have given him a standing ovation. But the poem he did suddenly came to mind when i saw this picture. The poem talked about how this guy was tired of women not being attracted to him so he decided to date himself. He would send himself flowers and candy and go on dates with himself. Then, when girls saw how happy and desired he was, they started to flock to him. 

I could care less about the guys flocking to me but the whole situation made me think about it. What if i dated myself? Now, i know what you’re thinking. NO. Im not going to spend nights masterbating. That is not what i meant, so get your mind out of the gutter. I want to fall in love with myself. Enjoy what I love to do and what makes me happy. I keep forgettin who I am by trying to fit into a mold that im not made for. So im going to do it. Stop feeling helpless and start loving who i am because who else will?