Tag Archives: rant

Labor day sleeplessness…


I have had lots of time, by myself, to think about things. Mostly I have been thinking about guys. I know, I am such a girl. But this is my blog, so I am gonna talk about whatever I want. Today’s subject just happens to be boys.

I realize that I do not have a type. I am so open-minded, its distressing. I told my mother the other day that I don’t develop crushes anymore. The closest to a crush I get is when I finally realize that a guy is flirting, then I run the scenario through my head. Would this person make a good boyfriend? Do we have the same interests? Are they just talking to me to “hit that”? Its like i apply this person’s personality into my day dream of the perfect relationship. Usually, we break up in my head. I know that sounds insane but I just know how I want to be treated, how much I willing to give for that person to feel happy, etc. I day dream for a day, and then I see that person the next time and realize, I am not attracted to them. It is perplexing.

No I am not gay. I went to college and lets just say, I have found out that I like guys. but I just cant find myself attracted to anyone. My last heart throbbing, dry mouth crush was so far in the past that I can not remember the guy. I think it was back in high school with my first boyfriend. He was in a relationship with my ex-best friend. We spent a lot of time together and I couldn’t get him off my mind.

Is this a thing? When we get older, do we stop being capable of having crushes on people? Yes, I am physically attracted to people like Brendon Urie. Mostly, I enjoy watching him sing because his lips are beautiful. Don’t judge me! There are certain quirky things about guys I like. My most recent ex has a gigantic nose which I find to be incredibly sexy. And, he had a sexy nerdy brain that made him amazing. Only bad thing is that he could say things that made you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s a constant thing.

So I am stuck. I like quirky guys but most of them are taken. Physically attractive guys think I am weird, fat and one of the guys. Nerdy guys watch porn 24/7 and think all girls are like porn stars, and tent to say incredibly arrogant things that hurt my feelings.

Christian guys are new to me. I don’t want to go near them with my filthy hands. I let my freak flag fly but a lot of them just look at me like they are scared. I am not sorry that I am myself all day, every day. Christian guys see me in two ways, (1) they are afraid to approach me because I am intimidating and black. (2) the ones that do approach just tend to treat me the way the Physically attractive guys do. I’m just not gonna win.

I havent looked at a guy and thought, I would like to kiss you. Just….nothing.

Also! I am just saying that I am intimidating because it’s what women tell each to make themselves feel better. I have been told that I am intimidating by 4 different people. My exes say that I have such a presence that when I am upset, I set the mood for the entire room, without even trying or speaking. My grandma used to tell me my scowl was scaring people away. Mom says that its because I dont stare at my feet when I walk, I look everyone in the eye when I speak, and I walk with confidence. I scare people but intrigue them.

I guess I am just ranting. I can recognize guys I think are cute or attractive but I can’t recognize if I’m attracted to them. Just some food for thought….