It has been a good couple of days since I have written but I have had an interesting week. First, work is more than amazing! My guys are great and already know what they want to do for their set. They listen to me, pay attention to the rules and have nicknamed me Mama J. They are some good guys.
On the other side of things, I am having issues. My heart and soul are conflicted. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I have gone through a lot of depression and constantly praying for friends. I have lost a lot of them but I am slowly creating strong relationships with the people I already have in my life. My problem now is that I can’t seem to get a friend that is…I don’t know. I give a lot in every relationship I have: romantic and non-romantic. I would let them sell my limbs if it meant seeing them happy. But my question is……
Is it healthy to be so kind that it makes you miserable?
I don’t say a lot of what’s on my mind with the fear that it will hurt someone else. But lately I have been surrounded by people who are excited to be my friend and use my new skills of active listening to their advantage. I can sit around and listen to you for days, remembering every detail you tell me. But when it’s my turn to share with you, my interests just dont compare with you. Its like I am Taylor Swift and Kanye West is constantly interrupting me about something that he deams is better than what I am doing. My ex would do that to me constantly. I would show him something hilarious but before it could even finish, he would stop it and say he wasn’t going to watch it. I just sat through the last week of you showing me everything you love about yourself and your hobbies and the moment I want to share with you, you dismiss me because it’s not your thing.
That 100% bugs me the crap out of me.
So here are my constant surroundings in a nutshell:
Group 1) people who are nice to my face but I barely know anything about and it’s a very slowly growing relationship of people who think I am odd but love me anyway
Group 2) People who show me everything in the world they love but dismiss my hobbies and interests because it is not their thing
Group 3) People who I am close to that, when I try to show them things, they are so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they dont hear me.
I guess what I am asking for is someone to actually listen to me. I like things that are just as important as the things you like.
No. Im not smoking something. I wish I were, though. But I had a dream last night and it was amazing! Ever had a dream make you so happy that you just blush all day long? Well that’s how my dream went last night.
This guy, Joe Brooks, was in my dream and it was amazing! So my biggest fear and pet peeve is that in-between time when you don’t know if you and this person you like are in a relationship or not. It’s that time when people finally see you together and the way they act towards you is the deal breaker. Wayyy too many times have I been with guys who were ashamed to be with me. It sucks. But basically my dream was with him. I had invited him to hang out with my friends and I. He was fixing the fan in the kitchen, being all manly and stuff. He constantly smiled. And there was one moment when I was leaving somewhere but I got this feeling that i was coming back, it was going to be a quick trip. And he kissed me goodbye. It was so sweet!……….. Then I woke up with my cat drinking out of my cup of water and found out it was raining….. Yeah, fuck my life.
The dream bible says that I am accepting a part of myself that I have been reluctant to show people. I guess thats my nerd side. The more I think about it, the more I think about this girl that basically cut me off because she didn’t want to hear about my career path since it dealt with video games and comic books and not “music”. She just said “Youre such a nerd…Anyway… (blah blah nonsense up your nose). So Unicorns……
I want to be-the very best Unicorn youll ever see!! bum, bum, bumbum (Pokemon Theme)
Not literally but Phillip Defranco, ( http://www.youtube.com/channel/UClFSU9_bUb4Rc6OYfTt5SPw ) talked about girl who are unicorns. They are funny, attractive, friendly and sexy and with a great personality…….. I want to be a fucking Unicorn. Im gonna buy some wood and carve it and paint it and super glue it to my forehead, Then im gonna take a pretty pony fake tail, and staple it to my butt! Then ill be the best damn unicorn! lol
This is the product of not enough sleep.
I’ve never cheated nor have i been cheated on in a relationship. But, sitting up at night makes me think about all the mistakes i have made. I was surfing Facebook and found reference to a girl hanging out with an old acquaintance. This girl, back in the day, stalked me on Facebook, and desperately chasing after my now ex-boyfriend. She commented on my Facebook status a long time ago telling me that i should be incredibly lucky to have such an amazing guy as “insert douche name” because he is amazing and funny and could be with anyone. THIS did not sit well with me. Not only did I curse her out, but I also deleted my Facebook to try to save my relationship. Well, little did i know that, after he came to hang out with me, he always went straight over to her house afterwards. Nowadays, this would not bother me because guys can hang out with whoever they feel like hanging out with, regardless of sex, but this was high school. I dont think i would have been so mad if it weren’t for the fact that she was after him and not afraid to show it. i have this irrational fear about people not arriving to their destinations safely. So i texted him and he didn’t respond til around midnight, saying he just left that girl’s house.
So yes, i was pissed. After that, less than 2 months later, i dumped him for a hotter younger guy, who eventually broke my heart. Double-edged sword, i say. But my point is that, I sometimes sit around and think about the things I’ve messed up, which usually makes me depressed. I can say that I have definitely grown as a person, living life a lot more care-free than what i used to. The reason I am writing this rule is because I sometimes find myself lingering in the past, dwelling over how awful it all was. It takes some amazing event or gesture for me to change my path of thinking.
So often we dwell in the past, beating ourselves up, ruining our bright futures for past mistakes. I have to remind myself that I am no longer that child. I’ve learned my lessons and havent repeated the same mistakes. Life is not lived in the best, its lived in the future. We makes mistakes to learn. Thomas Edison failed several times to create the lightbulb, but that one time, he got it right. That’s how i see life. Just live. Mistakes should be forgotten, and lesson should be utilized for the future to foresee upcoming shenanigans.