Wednesday: encouraging letters to friends

I have so much to say and so little time. I’ve got all my homework due and yet, here I am, not doing it. Anyway, here is how my week has gone…

My special friend is here!

Shes an incredible girl that I am just gonna call Samantha. She’s slept over the last two nights and went to church with me which I really appreciate. It looked like she really enjoyed it and met a lot of people. Ill have more to say about her in another post but….. I wrote encouraging letters to two of my friends. Basically, I had a birthday getaway and I was not expecting anyone to come at all. Well My female friend and my male friend came. I really was not expecting it at all. EM was promising she would come and she came. She was probably the only one I would think would try to make it, if she wasn’t busy. So, she came and she told me that a guy I had barely made friends with was coming. It was the best day ever because we swam for a while and then sat in the rented beach chairs for a couple hours. After that we went to get coffee and talked for a while, thought about getting matching henna tattoos and then went home. It was the best birthday since I was 8 that involved anyone that was not family.

Today I wrote them both encouraging thank you cards with bible verses on the front. I made multiple drafts of the perfect things to say to them. and I just put the cards with their things and left. I have this issue with doing nice things. Like, when it’s a female, i feel like they will think I am weird and trying to buy their love/friendship. With guys, they think it is me hitting on them. It’s never what they think. I just feel like showing love to people that make my days a little brighter. I don’t have siblings and if i did, I would want them to be my sister and brother.

Anyway, back to the story. I was walking with Samantha around church looking for a girl who came alone. We wanted to make sure that she was not left alone outside while waiting for her parents. So we were walking and (A-R is what i’ll call him) came up and I literally died inside. He said that he read my note and he really appreciated it. Then he gave me a hug. And I told him to have a nice night. Literally, I think my brain froze. I was mostly embarrassed since it was all happening in front of Samantha. I barely remember what I said but he gave me hug. He never speaks to me! Let alone, gives me a hug. One day, he gave me a high five and it was the most awkward high five ive ever received.

I just felt the need to encourage them. A-R because he is young and going off to school and one day he is gonna feel like no one cares about him. Or he will feel lonely, and I want him to at least feel like he can look at that card, read the words, and be reminded that people at Van Dyke actually care about him and all he had to do is reach out to them.

I also wanted to send EM a letter because she does a lot and I know what she looks like when she get overwhelmed. So I wanted to give her words to read when she is feeling stressed or down.

I love them like family and I am glad they enjoyed their cards.

Idk. I just felt like talking about them. I love making my friends feel loved. is that wrong? lol

Week 1:

I did write a song…and a half.

I don’t even know if they are good or not. I want to sing them but I just know whats gonna happen. Ill freak out and be too nervous to sing in front of people. Which is incredibly dumb because I love being in front of people. It doesnt bother me. My dream before the end of summer is to sign up for the open mic night at the coffee shop near the university and sing my songs. That’s my current short-term goal. I’ve never really had goals besides weight loss. This is new!

My long term goal is to sing and make a difference. I mean, yes, It would be cool to be recognized for great music with great friends in my band but not if it doesn’t change someone’s life. It’s not about me, It’s about God. I’ve gone through so many emotions and I have no idea how to release them so I just keep them bundled up inside, it literally kills me sometimes. I wrote my latest song when grandma and I had a fight. The strangest thing was that I usually wrote about how I think I am the worst kind of person, how i suck at life and how I have no friends that would care if I disappeared. Instead I wrote about how we can knock each other down and continue to be at each others necks but we have to accept who we are for whom we are. God made us this way for a reason and I’m not going to be ashamed.

Its a lot to take in but I hope it comes out great. If all else fails, Ill song it accapelo (dont judge me that I cant spell that right, Its late at night! haha) until I figure out how to play guitar. I just don’t want someone else to hear until its absolutely perfect. I shouldnt feel like that but these are my feelings and I have never been this open when anyone.

It’s gonna be terrifying when I am…

Oh Gosh..

Pray for me! ha

Update! And now stuff

Hey girl Hey!

It’s been an interesting time. I did do the 7 day Beauty Challenge. Unfortunately, I didnt get a chance to update my blog because of the fact that the iphone app requires the ios7 update and I dont have the space for that on my phone. I also have a cracked screen. So….My phone would probably have a seizure.

The 7 day Beauty challenge kinda turned into the 1 month challenge after my birthday. I went to the beach and being black, I did not expect to turn 8 shades darker, and get a sunburn all across my shoulders. I peeled like crazy which has never happened!!!!! Since when do black people get sunburned? Since I turned 8 shades darker, none of my makeup matched anyway, therefore, no makeup… I did put on eyeliner and shadow on important church tech days where people have to look at me. But on other days, nothing but the left over residue of mascara that didn’t come off the night before. 

7 day beauty challenge: Success!

Next challenge. I found out the other day at church that my main spiritual gift is music; then evangelism, serving and shepardship. I’ve been yelled at by my mom to make music or at least produce it. 

I didn’t.

Ive been yelled at by my previous friends that they didnt know I could sing and that I should more often.

I didn’t.

I’ve been offered opportunities at church to sing

I won’t.

I’ve been offered opportunities to learn guitar for free, with a payment of baked goods instead of money.

I haven’t taken the opportunity.

I confessed that I feel God most when I sing its the one thing I’ve been told to do my entire life. Its been my dream since I was a small child to sing and perform on-stage in front of people with music that meant something, could change a life. Every aptitude test tells me that I should be doing performing arts, or some kind of form of it. I’ve gotten awards for my art, I can play any instrument I put my hands on, and I still won’t. And I admit its because I’m petrified. I don’t have the same style as everyone else. I cant sing like the sassy black women everyone is used to. I just feel like I am not good enough to achieve the one dream i’ve always had. 

God gave me this dream and a voice and everything has fallen apart in my life except this dream. I feel like I had to grow to realize that what he wants me to do is not what I’m comfortable with. 

I know I sound crazy but give me a minute to explain. 

I started playing violin in 6th grade. I soon switched to viola because my arm was too long and I self taught myself to read the music. I could hear the note and match it. I was excepted into a performing arts school in 9th my first try without passing a single music theory class after elementary school. My family moved to Mississippi when I was 15 and I joined the Junior orchestra where they had a concert coming up in a week. I learned the intricate music in 6 days, only having heard it played twice. I did previously learn to play piano at my performing arts school but that about it. I haven’t played or sung anything since. 

Enter a week ago, where I bought a book to learn to play guitar on my own. I learned the name of the strings and the next thing i knew, It all just clicked. I knew the notes at each fret and my finger placement was getting better. I was excited and then got scared. 

I haven’t picked it up since. 

So yeah, Im scared. Down right petrified. I could have what I’ve always wanted, I could write a song and sing it at a coffee, but I’m too petrified. 

My new challenge includes facing my fears and getting closer to God. I’m picking up my guitar at least once a day and practicing. I have started a new bible plan called……hold on let me look….You are Gifted: Devotions From Time of Grace. 

The synapse says:

“We all experience times of insecurities. It is our hope that this reading plan inspires you to see yourself a little more as God sees you.” – Time of Grace, http://www.timeofgrace.org, Bible app

Had to make sure I at least gave some kind of reference just in case someone tries to be a douche and get me for some kind of plagiarism thing. I dont know! It’s just what I learned at school. Dont judge me! HA 

But yeah, I am hoping it’ll be really eye opening. With each verse that I feel speaks to me, I’m gonna write a song kinda based on the lesson and what God says to me. I love to write but I never finish so I’m giving each song of at least a week to ponder and just listen. I don’t give the chance to speak to me. Im always like “God, You’ve got 5 minutes. Spit fire your meaning to me. Right…Now. GO!” It took a while to learn that God does not work like that. God has been trying to get my attention for a while, ever since college, when I had the wrong friends, went to the wrong parties, dated the wrong guys, thought the worst things about myself… I prayed to God one day and he snatched everything from me so I was an empty canvas. Now, when I get lazy or depressed and I start to regain bad habits and repeat patterns, God kinda rips the table cloth off the table and everything i’m doing gets shaken up. Thats how he talks to me now. That sounds really mean but Im thick skulled. 

Here’s the list…

Learn to play guitar: Challenge Accepted

Read my bible everyday: Challenge Accepted

Write a song each week: Challenge Accepted

Basically….